I) This post is a humorous article written solely to get you incredible people to bust a gut; and should in no way be taken seriously.
II) Most examples are in the context of recent graduates.
III) All, I repeat, ALL situations and examples are ficticious.
INTERVIEW…the next word that immediately pops up in your mind when I say INTERVIEW is STRESS. It does not matter whether it is for the post of a CEO for a multinational or for a waiter at a street corner restaurant. You will be nervous before a job interview. Why? Well, obviously because you badly want the job but you know some ravenous monster is awaiting to eat your brains with the most annoying questions that have ever gone down in the history of job interviews. By the way, have you noticed that sinister, almost I’m-gonna-screw-you grin on an interviewer’s face before the meeting? I swear it literally inspires my inner serial killer. If you too have been victimized by a string of dumb questions in a formal setting at least once in your life, welcome to the club!
Anyway, let’s check out their lousy questions which warrant even lousier answers.
EA means expected answer (what the interviewer wants to hear).
HA means honest answer (what you would reply, if you had the balls).
1) Tell me about yourself.
EA- Be like Trump. Blow your own trumpet by talking about your education, previous work experience and proven success.
HA- I’m The Little Mermaid, a born winner. I started out as the sperm which won the race. I worked very hard to get to where I am in life today- an unemployed university graduate. I’m currently trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie but there are just too many holes in the plot.
2) Why do you want this job?
EA- Demonstrate how your skills match, show your enthusiasm for the job and explain how you fit into the culture.
HA- Firstly, I want the job to earn money to pay for my living expenses because I have always been so passionate about not starving to death. Secondly, I’ve heard your company has a vacancy and coincidentally, I am jobless. So, luck just happened to kiss me. Lastly, I was considering the marvellous idea of harvesting organs from homeless people to make ends meet. Unfortunately, it is illegal.
*Sweet Jesus, please grant me the power to deal with this bullshit for as long as eternity takes.
3) What special skill do you have?
EA- Reveal your strengths related to the job.
HA- I can twerk. Just kidding. That’s my sense of humour. You’ll get used to it. Actually I’ve hacked your system and shortlisted myself for the interview. Now, can you imagine the damage I can do to your organisation by working for your rivalling competitor? I’m also great at multi-tasking. I can waste my time, be unproductive and day-dream all at once. Moreover, I have amazing ability to meet tight deadlines after an interminable procrastination session. These are a few of the many bankable fortes that I possess.
4) What is your greatest weakness?
EA- The trick is to turn a negative flaw into a positive.
HA- I worry too much. But I’m working on it. Next time something goes wrong, I’ll try blaming someone else for it. For instance, suppose I don’t get this job, it’d be all due to the crappy questions that you need to shove up to your arse.
5) What are your communication skills?
EA- List your oral and written communication aptitude.
HA- If you’ll pardon my french, my language proficiency includes: bitter sarcasm, pugnacious insults and inappropriate sexual satire.
*How did I end up here in this Tophet?
6) What are your hobbies?
EA- Talk only about the intellectual constructive hobbies that you are engaged in. And remember. Masturbation does not count.
HA- My pastimes are lying on the bed switching between the same three apps on my mobile phone for hours, listening to the same songs I’ve been listening to since 20 years, clicking hundreds of bathroom selfies per day and imagining myself in situations that will never exist in real life. I’m a very interesting person, aren’t I?
7) Where do you see yourself in five years?
EA- Show ambition, commitment and goal-orientedness, even if your sense of direction at the moment is like a headless chicken.
HA- I’m so glad you asked. Please allow me to bore you for several minutes with a lump of overly-optimistic nonsense about my future. I’ll either be happily sitting at your place, just asking better questions or win a Noble Prize for getting Black Rhinos to hump more. Either way, I plan to take over the world and my future is as bright as a pair of albino buttocks bathed in sunlight.
8) What is your idea of teamwork?
EA- Display your ability to work collaboratively and motivate others in the group as well.
HA- I was rather searching for a job where I’m politely ignored and left to my own devices with unlimited internet access, doughnuts and coffee. However, I understand the importance of teamwork, especially if you are bone idle. It allows a moocher to get favourable commendation from his or her boss for a job others slogged away every cell of their body at completing. Basically, teamwork is great.
9) Tell me about your professional experience.
EA- Highlight your past accomplishment and knowledge at previous jobs. Convey your excitement to transfer your skills to the post you have applied for.
HA- From the job advertisement, I gather that you are looking for someone aged 22-25 with thirty years of work experience. If you don’t mind me asking Sir, are you looking for a time traveller? This sounds really innovative on your part. Let me congratulate you. Now, to answer your question, frankly I do not have any job experience. Still, I have more degrees than a thermometer. I’m sure it would make up for the lack of hands-on involvement.
10) What are your salary expectations?
EA- The interviewer wants to know the minimum salary you will accept and see if you are aware of your value in the labour market.
HA- I want a job that would appreciate my exceptional talent. So, I expect to be paid above the median salary of your average employee. I think Rs 40 000 is reasonable to start with. As I prove my remarkable intelligence at work, you can add up to any amount of zeros, in your good judgement, as my increment.
11) What makes you think that you are the best candidate for this job and why should we hire you?
EA- Evince your passion for the job and praise the company profusely.
HA- Arrogance. End of story.
Phew! A job interview indeed puts everyone, the strongest and most sensible ones alike through the wringer. It’s not too bad, albeit I believe that the questions and answers that have been parroted for decades could be restructured in a more unconventional manner. There’s no royal road to securing a nice job in today’s increasingly competitive world; but if you are worth your salt, success is a sure thing. To those having upcoming interviews- Break a leg! Knock ’em dead!