Forewarning Signs That You Have An Over-possessive And An Insecure Psycho As Your Boyfriend

N.B. The article has been written assuming the male is the over-possessive one. However, it can be either way. 

Alright guys! Know that feel of getting super excited about walking in a zoo where you encounter a myriad of wild and uncivilised creatures? Well that’s exactly how it feels when you enter the vast dating world, the sole difference being that in the latter case, the excitement lasts just for one hundredth of a nanosecond. Yeah! Joking aside, I’ve very recently come out of a toxic, long distance relationship with an edgy, mentally deranged, over-possessive boyfriend. It was a highly unpleasant experience. By sharing the traumatic ordeal with you on this platform, I want you to grow, to learn and most importantly to discern. I try to build others up because I know what it’s like to be torn down. 

Now, let’s get back to the main issue-What is over-possessiveness and why is it venomous in a couple? By definition, to ‘possess’ is to own, to control, to dominate. You can possess, thereby claim your right to ownership over a car, a house or a book. But you can’t possess an individual to keep her with you. Unlike an inanimate material object, a person is to be loved, valued, honoured and cherished in her own kingdom. Being over-possessive towards someone is therefore easily seen as a manifestation of one’s inherent weaknesses, limitations, insecurities, needs and fears. If you are in a relationship with an insecure person, most of your energy will be spent in constantly proving your sentiments to him. No matter how much you try to convince him of his awesomeness or to heal him with patience and compassion, all your efforts will go down the drain if that person doesn’t face his demons himself. Below are the forewarning signs that your boyfriend is over-possessive and why you, as a strong woman, need to take the exit door as soon as possible. 

1. Every male is a potential threat to him.

-You go to the gym for workouts.

Translates to: You are kinkily sitting on your fitness instructor’s lap while he is demonstrating to you how to execute a proper bench press.

-You visit your dentist for a dental check-up.

Translates to: You are opening your mouth wide and giving him a blowjob inside the room.

-You strike a business deal with a partner.

Translates to: The businessman agreed to do business with you because you are sleeping with him. 

-A family member genuinely compliments you.

Translates to: He is flirting with you. 

Gross thinking! I know, right? But I’m telling you. An over-possessive person’s mind is always filled with such perverted suppositions and you’ll gradually begin to wonder if he is not actually the one involved in all those cheap deeds behind your back?!

2. He deprecatingly downplays your strengths, achievements and abilities.

The end goal of the persons involved in a healthy romantic relationship should be to inspire each other intellectually, emotionally, physically and spiritually. The relationship functions as one team. For all that, a goosey boyfriend who unfortunately ain’t got the brains God gave a squirrel will view your freedom, confidence and power to hold your own in the relationship a menace to his bloated ego. He will find ways to bring you down for being an independent badass without his help. Instead of motivating you and feeling proud of you, he will attempt to convince you that you are nothing without him. You scare his little pussy (insecure men have a pussy, don’t you laugh) because you are whole all by yourself. Now, can you imagine, my boyfriend has never ever complimented me for my looks or anything like that? 99% of the time I’m  the one to initiate intimacy and Mr Insecure is either busy or not in the mood? The reality of truth is different. He is jealous, hence shying away from positive reinforcement.

3. He stalks you everywhere.

An acquaintance has ‘liked’ your picture on facebook? Great! World War 3 starts. You were last seen online on WhatsApp 16 minutes ago and accidentally missed replying to his message? You’re dead! You didn’t send him a good morning text the moment you woke up? Ah, then forget about having a proper conversation with him for the rest of the day. The psycho will inscrutably have an eye on each of your moves on social media and in real life.

He destroys your right to privacy and to your ‘me time’. He makes you feel untrustworthy by doubting your loyalty. If you encourage this demented behaviour by validating your faithfulness whenever he takes the odious liberty to point a finger at you, you’ll eventually reach a point where you have to ask for his permission before going for a piss. You’ll be engulfed with suffocation. 

4. He creates drama in the relationship.

An over-possessive boyfriend is generally a selfish, demanding, inconsiderate brat who believes himself to be the absolute centre of the universe. He will go to any length to receive your undivided attention. He is more likely to engage in drama and wants you to partake in his horseshit that drains you of happiness, tranquility and bliss. He thinks that he is spicing up the relationship by bringing in tears, tension, suspense and stress. 

But listen carefully girl! You can’t control his comportment. You don’t even want that burden. But you can refuse to play the second fiddle in his story. You have standards-they step up or they step out. Life is short. Peace of mind is a priority. Fuck him. Sometimes it takes balls to be a woman. 

5. He tricks you into accepting that he is the ultra ‘beau idéal’.

He has a successful career, a nice house, a dick and is an excellent bathroom singer. So what? Does this give him the right to bully you and to make you feel worthless? Hello Mr, there are approximately 3, 571, 374, 099 males in the world, who are a million times more capable than you, willing to give away everything to be at your coveted place. Okay? Suck up this self-aggrandizing demeanor. A strong woman is with you out of choice, never out of need. An over-possessive person, because he sees you as his property, takes you for granted. Little does he realise that only a fool would gamble with something so rare and precious as a good woman’s love. Just because he is too self-absorbed and a control freak who cannot value you doesn’t mean that you are not valuable. A masterpiece does not stop being a masterpiece because the lights are off and the doors are closed. 

6. He plays the victim to get his way. 

My boyfriend had no qualms of conscience at all to apologize when he wronged me. Words like ‘Please’, ‘Sorry’ and ‘Thank You’ are alien to him because he is always right. As a matter of fact, mature masculinity is not abusive, domineering or grandiose but generative, creative and empowering. A real man is vulnerable without shame. He has learnt how to swallow his pride. He has learnt how to forgive. An over-possessive lunatic exhibits narcissistic traits with an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Filled with envy and arrogance, he will exploit you emotionally to get things done as he so desires. In a narcissist’s mind, they can never be the bad guy. They can never faulter. They can never sin. They are the most honourable saints to have trodden the planet.

7. He resorts to extreme measures to ‘punish’ you.

“When you love something, you don’t threaten it. You don’t punish it. You fight for it. You take care of it. You put it first.”-Leslie Knope

By default, an insecure person is always afraid that you are going to leave him for someone better. Therefore, he tends to keep you on your toes. The last thing he wants is for you to feel safe and secure in the relationship. It gives him pleasure to be above you in every way and when you feel insecure, it makes him secure in turn. The silent treatment, anger, aggressive talking and frequent threats of break-ups are some of the dangerous tools that he uses to keep you in his grip. 

On a concluding note, an unsurpassable classic masterpiece unto itself, The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran is wisdom spoken. 


“Then Alrnita spoke again and said, And what of Marriage, master?
And he answerd saying:

You were born together, and together you shall be for evermore.

You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness.

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

Please like, comment, reblog and share if it’s worth it! Thank you!

Author: The Little Mermaid

My soul is an enthralling mystery, delicately concocted with some chaos and a little glee.

233 thoughts on “Forewarning Signs That You Have An Over-possessive And An Insecure Psycho As Your Boyfriend”

  1. Very insightful analysis – it must have been painful to write about your experiences. Narcissists are a blight on the face of humanity and can be toxic not only in relationships but also in business.

    1. So true, Andrew. Narcissists, particularly display an obscene, scabrous, almost libidinous sense of entitlement at all levels in life. But you know what? Deep down, they feel worse than the “Ugly Duckling” even if they painfully don’t want to admit it. They are an utter failure in every aspect. I don’t hate such people. I pity them. They need divine help.

      Happy Easter to you! :))

    2. All these are narcissistic traits… we all have a bit of each… it becomes “an issue” when the other person starts feeling chocked and stressed. This is generally the symptom something is really wrong…

  2. The sense of ownership is one reason why abuse tends to get worse as relationships get more serious. The more history and commitment that develop in the couple, the more the abuser comes to think of his partner as a prized object. Possessiveness is at the core of the abuser’s mindset, the spring from which all the other streams spout; on some level he/she feels that he/she owns you and therefore has the right to treat you as he/she sees fit.

    1. On point, Neal! Over-possessiveness spells ‘I don’t care’, ‘You are mine’, moreso ‘I have the right to misbehave and get away with practically anything’.

      On the other hand, appreciation is one of the keys to building long healthy relationships. Expressing just how amazing your partner is through your consistent devoted actions and cheerful words is to connect to your own loving self. Not only does your partner feel great, you feel great and the relationship feels great. Today, people always have a way out. Then, how can you even take a person for granted? Be grateful for having him/her by your side. As simple as that!

      Thanks for the comment. Happy Easter to you and yours! X

  3. Poor ‘thing’! You’ve really met the wrong type of man. And he must have been terrified of losing you – and managed to do just that!
    On your part: Some guys need a lot more assuring than others due to their lack of self confidence.
    Whilst I’ve got your attention:
    On my blog you may travel digitally throughout Norway. (And it’s all free!) More than 6000 pictures – all in ‘full screen’ – from cities, municipalities, from tourist destinations or just plain Norwegian nature at its best.
    Everything is texted in English as well as Norwegian. Please enjoy!

    1. Hi, I agree that some people lack self-confidence and as caring humans, our job is not to judge but to love them. This is one thing. Now someone trying to drag you down and making you feel bad about yourself because of their own insecurity is another thing. This is narcissism. In this case, we can do nothing but feel sorry for their miserable state of mind.

      Wow! I’ve often heard that Norway is the best country to live in. I’m so eager to read the materials up on your blog. See you soonish! X

      1. At the moment it seem we are ‘the next best place to live’ in this world of hours.
        I don’t recall which nation beat us to the top of the list 🙂 , but I really don’t mind. That only means that there is another country succeeding!

    1. Hi Zara, thanks for the read. What do you mean by you are trapped? Remember, you always have options, darling. Don’t be so hopeless. Stay strong and keep on shining.

      I send you my love and warm wishes. Hugs X

  4. He is history, right? RIGHT? He needs to be for your own benefit.
    These are the type of people you talk about in the ‘past tense’.
    You are a beautiful woman. You can have your pick of any man.
    Have a most beautiful day, everyday.

  5. These situations you’ve encountered remind me of similar situations ive been in with women from my past. Never dated them or had any romantic contact but they were lusting after me and when i didnt return their advances they became aggressive towards me. Best thing to do is just walk away. Glad you got out.

    1. Hi Cai, I feel you. Even I can’t stand aggressive behaviour, violent brawls and a fiery anger. They are the pièce de résistance of the weak. As you’ve said, the most appropriate thing we can do is to remain calm, stay strong and just walk away.

      You’ll love this quote by Osho, “You have the source of energy. Whatever happens in your life needs your energy. If you cut the source of energy and-in other words that’s what I call identification-if you don’t identify with anything, it immediately becomes dead, it has no energy of its own. And non-identification is the other side of watchfulness.”

      Have a nice week! Hugs X

  6. My wife and I will soon celebrate our 55th anniversary and I think we have broken all of Khalil Gibran’s recommendations. So much for pocket wisdom! People differ, I suspect, and general rules don’t always apply.

    1. Hi there, I appreciate your kind visit. In his defense, neither did Kahlil Gibran lay down rules in the book nor did he compel us to follow his writing. He simply penned down his philosophy and way of perceiving things in life, to which most of us agree and seek to embrace. He just stressed on the importance of trust and ‘being happy without each other, but happier with each other’. I believe the examples of cup and loaf are figurative.

      On that note, I wish you and your beloved wife a very happy wedding anniversary. May the freshness of your love always remain! XOXO

  7. Thank you very much. Very interesting to read. I think possessing is part of our nature and I don’t think it’s a shame. However, anything exceeds the normal situations or the norms set by laws/society/religion is an extreme and will lead for bad results. I wish all couples happy and blessed life. Yes, if you love some one/thing, you’ll fight for them not fight them.

  8. I’m sorry you went through that. Been there myself.
    I agree with Andrew, this is more than insecurity, this fellow is a narcissist.
    This book will make you master of narcissists 😉 or at least give you defenses.

    You’ll find it fascinating, considering.

    1. You may be right. His antics prove he is more of a narcissist. Thank God we can detect them before their negativity triumphs over our sanity.

      I’ll try to get the book. It’s interesting. Thanks for the recommendation. Take care. X

  9. After a long time reading your post…I am not angry but more than happy because you speak being a lady…and I appreciate that a lot Ma’am…

    1. Hi Sangbad, how have you been? I took a break from blogging. I know I broke my promise and I feel awful about that. Sorry.

      Thank you for the support. Really kind of you. Keep in touch!🙂

  10. You have touched on a recurring theme in any country. There are complaints of this kind on a daily basis, but there are many that remain unreported. It is regrettable but many couples hide the facts out of shame and that aggravates things.

    1. You are right. Many such cases also pass unnoticed whereby some people, in sheer denial of the bitter truth remain with the toxic person because they are hopelessly in love with him/her. They do not realise how harmful their insouciance can be towards themselves.

  11. Reblogged this on Loving Me, Too and commented:
    This re-blog contains a bit of language some might find offensive, but there are way more gems of wisdom making this post well worth reading!

  12. I grew up in a house hold of a Narcissist.. Being a child it wasn’t until years later I understood the word.. Its not always men who are the villains either.. Imagine a world where both of the opposite sexes in constant battle with jealousies and accusations. Fights, and threats..
    “The silent treatment, anger, aggressive talking and frequent threats of break-ups are some of his tools that he uses to keep you in his grip. ”
    I can so relate to this… My Mother would constantly threaten suicide.. Yet had no intention.. Could go for weeks with the silent treatment not only to my Father but to her children.. Sigh.. (And later in life she didn’t speak to me for 10 yrs, then she passed.. Despite my trying.. 😦 )

    And five children in the middle.. Me being the eldest.. trying to shield them. I so abhor arguments to this day and shake physically, and walk away rather than engage…

    Thank you for the courage to write about such an experience.. Wise words
    Stay safe my friend.. and Bless you for sharing..
    Love and Blessings Sue xx

    1. Hi Sue, I hope you are doing well. You had a harsh childhood. I’m sorry to hear about your painful experience with difficult parents as such.

      Unfortunately, narcissists do not understand that their behaviour hurts their surrounding more than they can possibly imagine. They live in their own tiny miserable world to even care to look outside, to open the door and to welcome love, kindness and comfort. Such losers they are for they miss on the blessing of God’s abundance.

      You must have surely grown stronger, learning the hard way. I respect you more.

      Sending light and positivity to you. Warm hugs XOXO

  13. Yes I once dated a similar man. His full nickname isn’t appropriate to post on these comments but it started with the Viking. He was the first person I dated after divorcing my abusive ex husband so I was probably vulnerable and naive. Those kinds of men are really scary and I’m glad you’re out safe! I think we prevent ourselves from attracting them by having boatloads of self worth and know these handy warning signs. Great post. 😉

  14. Wow, this is brilliant. I can personally relate to this. I’m so thankful because it made so much sense and brought a sense of ease and peace in my heart. 🌷🌷

  15. I’m glad you moved on from him. Not apologizing and being thankful are deal-breakers for me when I’m dating and in a relationship. I’m surprised people out there lack these two characteristics. Disappointing.

    I concur with your views of people that are over-possessive, which also takes place in women, whom I’ve also dated and quickly stopped dating them the moment I noticed these behavior traits.

    Like you, one stalked me; and, I had to get my attorney and SFPD involved.

    Stay safe! Good BLOG on this topic!

    /s/ Alfonso Faustino

    1. A stalker is unarguably a nasty creep. Some years ago, my whole family and I were minutely stalked by the bodyguards of one of the most powerful, crooked families in my country because they wanted me to marry their son. Ah, if only their fortune could match my integrity in life!

      I am safe, dear Alfonso. Don’t worry. See you X

      1. I’m happy to read you and your family are safe from that family. Also, I’m happy to read you didn’t give up your integrity and soul for money, power, and prestige. Yes, stalking on all levels is creepy; and, stalking at the level you were subjected to is the ultimate creepy status!

  16. Excellent and valuable insight! I’m reminded of my year long “rebound from hell” with a sick fool who complained that I was “out of pocket” too much. I’d never heard that expression before then and overlooked the uneasy feeling in my gut when he said it. I still can’t believe I put up with him for a year, but thank God it was only a year. And thank God your relationship was long distance and is now over. Healthy relationships feel comfortable most of the time, not tense and stressful.

    1. Complained that you were “out of pocket”? Perhaps he didn’t like the fact that you didn’t have enough pocket in your pants? Haha! They are pathetic beings, JoAnna. Let them be.

      I feel so much better and lighter now that it’s over. Thanks for dropping by. Hugs X

  17. so glad you got out of that one, hopefully in one piece – & many tx for sharing – the one good thing from these encounters is that they give us plenty of wisdom to pass along. fingers crossed that others take the advice to heart

    1. Thank you very much. The good thing is that we definitely grow stronger from such experiences. And at least we can brag about having encountered an extreme narcissist once in our life someday. Haha!

  18. An insightful read.
    My cousin was in a toxic relationship exactly like the one you are talking about. She had an arranged marriage with that guy. She told me the exact things you have mentioned like how he asked her if she likes touching other boys when she tied her brother’s tie, how he stalked her Facebook account, he even visited her previous work places to enquire about her character. So disgusting!

    1. Absolutely disgusting! My boyfriend was discreetly spying on me even at my workplace. He always had to confirm with his friend who happened to be my colleague, what I was up to every hour. Even when I honestly told him I would revert later because I had a shitload of work to complete, he never believed me unless he had his friend give him some kind of an assurance. Would you believe it?

      I felt like I was not worthy of being trusted, when in my right mind, I knew I didn’t deserve this.

      Ah! The lowliest kind of retards insecure narcissists are!

  19. When I speak to my daughters- 21 years old this year- and 18 this year- I will be sincere and honest- I speak to them with respect and love always. I am not portaying my self as perfect- not at all. But deep within my heart I ache for them because I love them with all my heart. Not a day goes by- when we don’t say love you. I talk – I do not control- I raise young ladies and I am the first man they will meet in life. I want to demonstrate total communication and love to them. My mother who died recently- was Italian- and she bullied me so often that I could not express anything at all. She violently demonstrated her anger by lashing out. I died in side- but through it I decided I did not have to control to be accepted. A wise christian lady once said to me- when I was going through emotional pain- and I felt used up. Her words were-” BE FREE DARLING” I say to my girls very often- ” BE FREE DARLINGS and hug them close. When they meet a man one day- they will remember the times we shared- cried, laughed , hugged- and said ‘love you’ And never made them feel inferior or as a woman useless. So when they meet someone- I as a father- showed them what to expect.. Nothing less please God…. So I say to you little mermaid- ” BE FREE DARLING” With total respect- and thank you for sharing …… Oh also we have a little joke in our home and it is this—- I say to my daughters- if you meet some one- one day in life-( They don’t date ) you tell them your father is Italian – and he is still alive…… Bless you- and as a man I apologise – that for some of us- we need to grow up and be real men!

    1. Hi there, as I was reading your comment, tears welled up in my eyes. The kind of upbringing you gave to your daughters-loving, liberating and secure, is similar to what I have received from my father. Priceless indeed!

      And then one fine day you have a man who comes along and questions your choices, who wants to think for you because he feels that you are incapable of thinking for yourself and who tries to impose his rules on you. To a well brought-up woman with upright morals and dignified core beliefs, this is radically unacceptable. Anything that challenges my decent upbringing is not worth fighting for or against it. That’s how it has always been with me.

      I have taken your sound advice to heart. I will be free. And please do not apologize for insecure people who do not value love and trust. Like it’s said in french, ‘il faut de tout pour faire un monde’.

      Have an amazing Sunday! Hugs X

  20. Wow…have you been through the ringer–and rose the victor…this amazing post is evidence of that!!!! You are a fantastic writer/communicator–and sooooo brave 🙂 Thanks for sharing, beautiful 🙂

    1. Aww..thank you. It has not been an easy journey but when you see the signs slowly unfurl at each step of the relationship, you just can’t sit arms folded and watch yourself being used.

      As regards to my writing, I appreciate your support. Hugs X

  21. Your narrative reminded me of The Fifty Shades of Grey. True love is nothing like what you have described. Leave it and consider yourself lucky to be free to choose again.

    1. Hey Grumpa, yeah maybe. His abuse of me was never physical but it could reach that level given the kind of emotional torture he enjoyed inflicting on me.

      Thanks for the support. Hugs X

  22. First, Little Mermaid, thank you so much for your follow of my blog, For His Glory. I hope you are incredibly blessed each time you visit and read.
    Second, this post is EXCEPTIONALLY WELL WRITTEN. In fact, it’s one of the best written posts I’ve read in awhile. You have a singular command of English and know how to express yourself with confidence and clarity. High fives on that. You also deserve kudos, Mermaid, for writing with a purpose to move beyond yourself to help others. “I want you to grow, to learn and most importantly to discern. I try to build others up because I know what it’s like to be torn down.” That is certainly noble and selfless of you.
    Although I am not into what you call, “toxic, long distance relationship with an edgy, mentally deranged, over-possessive boyfriends” (in my case, girlfriends, I’m happily married for more than 20 years) You handled the topic with a measure of grace and composure I’m sure many can benefit from reading.
    I look forward to being blessed by more of your writing and slice of life in the future.
    Great job. God bless.

    1. Thank you very much Steven for reading and enjoying the article. It gladdens me to see my writing being loved by all of you, here.

      Please do keep in touch. Wishing you fantastic Sunday! Hugs XO

      1. In fact, I liked it so much that I’d like to re-blog this on my For His Glory blog. When I reblog from another blogger I give credit in writing to the author. I will aso include a link back to your blog and a few remarls about how much I liked the post. I like to include a photo and a brief biography. If that sounds like something you’d like, please let me know. Thanks again. You have a gift.

        1. Hi dear Steven, please feel free to reblog anything you have enjoyed on ‘The Little Mermaid’ to your followers. We are a family and our mission is to share with and learn from each other.

          And thanks again. Have a blessed day. See you around. X

          1. Could you share a bit about your bio with me for inclusion in the re-blog? Also, do you have another mug shot besides the one on your blog I could use as well? I will include these in my re-post as well as promote your site and include a link back to your site.

            1. Hello Steven, please try to have a look at my ‘About’ page. You might find what you are searching for. As for the mugshot, please don’t mind but I don’t like to promote my blog using my photo, except for the one publicly displayed as my profile picture. You can use that. Thanks for understanding. Take care. X

  23. Another interesting article filled with information to help many people. The comments are also very interesting as viewpoints from different cultures chime in. I enjoyed this post.

  24. I appreciate that you mentioned women can be over possessive too. I’ve had to deal with a narcissist who is very close to me for a long time. It’s taken me a while to find the fortitude to unmesh her from my life. She’s not totally cut out of my life, but I’ve had to make barriers and deal with her anger. She would manipulate me with guilt sometimes to my own physical detriment. What really was one of the last straws for me was when she guilt tripped me into going shopping with her despite the fact that I was needing surgery within the next few weeks. I told her that I felt like I might pass out and needed fresh air. The store had no benches outside and I didn’t feel like I could make it to the car, so I just sat on the ground. She continued shopping for about half an hour. When she came out of the store she said something to the effect of that when she says she feels like passing out she’s exaggerating so she thought I was too. No apology just a justification.
    I love that passage from “The Prophet”. It was read at my wedding.

    1. Oh God! It’s truly unbelievable how some people can be so self-centered. Shame on them!
      I love every single line in ‘The Prophet’. Kahlil proved what a fine artist he is by creating an outstanding jewel.

  25. An excellent post and a difficult lesson to learn. The quote is a “just right” ending. I started reading Kahlil Gibran when I was in college. I believe that it is so important to have a base of like-leading and life-changing inspiration from such a scholar!

    1. To be frank, ‘The Prophet’ is my maiden expedition with Kahlil. I was overawed by the impeccable language, the intense wisdom and the exceptionally high quality content in the book. It’s ‘perfection’ in one word. I’m so looking forward to reading more from him. Any suggestion?

      Thanks for dropping by. Hugs X

      1. I am so glad that you discovered the beauty of his language and the wonders of his astounding clarity. I will think about what would be just right for you to read next and let you know!

    1. Haha! And thank God you’re not married to an over-possessive spouse or else hell would have been more appealing to you than your relationship.😂

      Have a great Sunday! Hugs X

  26. Amazing article accuraterly describing mind and behavior of a typical narcissist. Your insightful writing throws light on one of the most serious problems in our society, many times cause of domestic violence. You’re certainly succesful listing the symtoms characterizing an over-possesive and insecure psycho. What a beautiful poem The Prophet by Khalil Gibran, thanks a lot for sharing.

  27. It is always good to hear from those that have survived their ordeals and willing to share so that others may see themselves and move on. I for one have encountered the occasional woman that was overly controlling. some may want/need this type of relationship and others get trapped and dont know how to escape for they lack self worth. I stay away from such women.
    thanks for posting this.

    1. An over-controlling and a domineering behaviour is a brazen sign of weakness in a person. In order to maintain a healthy relationship, each dependable partner needs to have his/her own breathing space. Love flourishes in freedom and dies in captivity.

  28. Ah, my darling Urvashi, you were hiding to write this… I’m glad that you’ve done with this (and written).

    I knew we’re kindred spirits somehow… you’ll know in a bit. 🙂

    What puzzles me is why we stay even when we know that the relationship is toxic and we are certain that we deserve better. Is it because we don’t want to be alone? Is it because we think we can change the person and what a conquest that will be? Is it because we are masochistic? Is it because it’s tiring to leave and start over?

    I understand that we get in because we don’t know and sometimes we also have our own insecurities. At times, we don’t see our self-worth – okay, fine, I’m talking about me – and we think ‘this’ relationship is the best we can do. I can write a book on these relationships. Ha-ha! I had a boyfriend who actually said to me before that I should be happy that he was with me because I had 2 kids already!!!! Yes, he said that. He had threatened to leave me (so many times before) because I didn’t do as he said. He questioned why I earned more than double his salary. He would do what he wanted just because. It’s a horrid story. In the end, I stuck to my guns and we broke up after he threatened to break up with me because I was busy at work and didn’t respond to his sms. It wasn’t really the end as the “withdrawal” was tough but a year later, it was all over – completely! He said some people get married and have a child in three years. He was right. A year later, I met my husband and we were married and had a child in three years. 🙂

    Perhaps sometimes we need to be pushed to the edge of the cliff before we wake up. Indeed, there is time for everything and I guess we need to experience certain things as we go through our personal journeys. The trick is to know when we’ve learned and we must first love ourselves before others.

    I’m happy you’re back.

    Much love and hugs to you. xxx

    1. Hi my lovely Anne, it feels great to hear from you after so long. Your comment on the way your different relationships evolved over time is very uplifting; to which I believe that on the road of our past ‘failed’ relationships, we learn who we are and what we need to bloom in a world that has so many challenges. We learn about the hidden aspects of our personality. The sentimental turmoil they leave in their wake help us to grow emotionally into the stronger person we were proudly meant to be, and therefore to attract a partner vibrating on the same higher level of energy frequency as us. There is a time and a place for everything. Bonding with a complete person in a fulfilling relationship based on truth, trust and loyalty is worth the precursory upheaval our soul goes through. I’m glad you have found your true life partner. It’s a blessing.

      Have a nice day, sister. You look absolutely beautiful in your photo. I love you.

      Hugs and kisses to you and to your three babies. XOXO

      1. Awesome my darling, dearest. Absolutely great insight. There’s nothing more to add. 🙂 Thank you for the compliment. I’m blushing, if I could blush. Ha-ha! Much love and warmest hugs. xxx

  29. Geesh! I’m glad you escaped. I’m sorry to hear about your horrendous experience and hope that 1. You never ever bump into him ever again. 2. You get over it and can learn to trust again. Best wishes.

  30. This is a very interesting perspective. Sadly I have recently been kicked out of a relationship that I thought was going very well. My Ex had an affair. Broke my heart. Regardless of my own personal experience, I believe you are absolutely correct though. I look forward to reading the rest of your posts.

    1. Hi there, thanks for dropping by and braving to share your experience with all of us.

      Actually, the man I’m talking about went through a similar heartbreak before meeting me. His ex cheated on him for someone else. Sad! He was dispirited. For years, he’d been lying to himself that he has moved on already. He seemed to be happy. He was laughing all the time; yet to me he looked like someone who was ill and suffering deep inside. I could see through him. Perhaps that’s why I stayed longer in the relationship- I was trying to pick up his broken pieces and stick them together again, well aware that I might get hurt in the process. I responded with empathy. I met his doubts with empathy. I met his anger with empathy. I wanted him to feel capable of loving and trusting others with no holds barred. Unfortunately, even the magnitude of my sensitivity could not save him. He failed to recognize love. I don’t blame him. He had a difficult past and he still doesn’t know how to deal with problems gracefully. I hope you do.

      Warm hugs and light to you XOXO

        1. Meeting one’s partner is about the perfect synchronicity of two kindred souls at the right time. God is incredible in His mercy. Have faith. Love will come to you. X

  31. How honest should I be? Let me see, diplomacy is not my strong suit!

    I am heartbroken the you are hurt and disrespected by another human being. It sounds like you have learned something about yourself and others. Do not be afraid to revisit this event to glean more information for yourself and others. Pearls were once great irritations to a certain bicuspid. They do become very valuable in time.

    Are you ready for a ride? I am so glad you wrote your article to include men and women on the bad side, sin is an equal opportunity employer. Men and women are both sinners. Stereotypically men are sinners one way and women are sinners another way. When you put two sinners together and try to have a relationship a few things can happen, in fact quite a few!

    I think it is, in a painful way, fascinating when our sin side exacerbates sin of someone else, equating to a really bad relationship. And even more fascinating is when two sinners come together and they see each other’s sins, then they help each other through the darkness. This is positive and amazing. No, I am not forgetting the Holy Spirit and the good gifts that God has given us. But rarely do a good gifts used in God’s way separate people in sin. The closer we get to God the closer we are to each other.

    It is amazing that we can get along at all. But where sin abound grace even more abounds. As you heal up from this raw experience, reread your last quote and compare it to some of your writing in the past. Do you see any inconsistencies? Do you want to be loved personally by someone obeying your last quote from Khalil Gabran? If you are using it to stop hurt, good, just like sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. A old lie told to mend a broken spirit of the one ravaged, but quickly discarded as the bandages let them come off when healing ensues.

    You are hurt and you need time. Do not give up on the one thing that counts in life Love. Please do not give up on the trust needed for Love. No matter your decision on this matter, God will never give up on you. NOW that is LOVE! Take a long swim in His Love…..

    In too many words, Denny

    1. Hi Denny, I’m touched by your considerate solicitude. Thank you very much for being with me. I concur with almost everything you said regarding sins and sinners. In the same vein, I’d like to add that no one is perfect. We have our deep-seated flaws and shortcomings. Let me take the example of two different persons. Mr A knows that he has a cynical outlook towards life. So, every time he is approached by someone, he makes sure to think twice before judging the intention of the person. Similarly, Mrs B knows that she is short and she hates it. So, Mrs B avoids horizontal stripes on her dresses as much as she can. Both Mr A and Mrs B have typical faults. The point is 1) they have recognized them, 2) they have accepted them as part of their personality without pretense and 3) they have tried to work on their weaknesses.

      In my case, my boyfriend confessed to me that he was insecure about his physical looks. Yet, deep in his heart, he knew that the outer beauty of a person holds NO significance for me. I did my best to reason with him with utmost care and affection on many occasions but in vain. He lacked self-confidence and this is what made him lose me today. When we love ourselves unconditionally, we won’t try to demean others for being better or worse than us. We just celebrate those differences. One of my past musings on ‘Unconditional Love’ would be totally relevant here:
      May I kindly know in what sense are my previous deliberations paradoxical to Kahlil’s quote?

      Yeah I’m hurt but I’m healing by the grace of my solid support system. I have no regret because I did go the extra mile to save the relationship. And I’m happy in life. I believe this is what counts the most. Oh Denny, how can I ever give up on love, the only thing that matters in the end?

      Sending good wishes, hugs and kisses your way XO

  32. Well said! And thanks for the Gibran poem. We forget as spouses, as parents and as friends to let the winds of heaven dance between us and let each keep his own counsel.

    1. Indeed! Very often we thumb our noses at the fact that our spouse, parents and children are individual beings who crave for the biological need for sense of identity of their own. When we disregard this, we tend to cross the boundary of respect and take the other person for granted just because he is bonded with us in a social commitment.

      Personally, I feel a healthy relationship is one where love is a ship, security is an anchor and freedom the ocean.

      Have a nice week ahead! X

    1. True! Hyper-possessiveness is, in effect, a serious mental illness clinically known as the ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’. It is the kiss of death for a harmonious relationship (marriage, friendship, working, ect).

  33. The bond of Love
    Is no shackle with no key.
    It’s not a chain
    That ties you to me.
    No camera of distrust
    To watch your every move
    No fists of abuse
    No push, no shove.

    The bond of Love
    Is an Embrace,
    Arms open free
    To welcome Me to You
    And You to Me.
    We both close our arms
    Round each other’s heart;
    Tho’ we both hold the keys
    We wish ne’er to part.

    T’is the keys of Love
    Commitment, Faith,
    Sealed, married
    by Heav’n’s stamp,
    A family to create.

    T’is hands clasp’d…Together
    And hearts tightly knit
    It’s Loyal, “I will”,
    Trust, I commit.

    T’is listening closely
    With patient wait
    T’is Sorry early
    And Anger late.

    T’is a promise I keep,
    With joy I strive to give.
    Your strengths, I’ll magnify,
    And weaknesses, forgive.
    It’s come as you are
    But leave better than before
    For love that binds
    Leaves you uplifted and more.

    Together we work
    Together we play
    Together thru good times
    And the bad times, we stay.

    The bond of Love
    Has no lock, no rope,
    No sleight of hand,
    No loss of hope.

    The bond of Love
    Is our Joining Together…
    Husband and Wife,
    Raise a family…not strife,
    Partners thru life,
    With us and our God,
    Companions forever.

      1. I’m glad it did! Yours is the original version. I updated it with a few more thoughts on my site. When u get a chance, stop by and look for the post with the same title.

          1. Beauty, there is hardly a person in this world who hasn’t suffered a devastating heart-break or hasn’t had a hard break in life and love if they have ever loved. I used to work as a counselor for a domestic violence center, domestic violence prevention program which worked with the men after an arrest and court appointment to seek help for their problem and I have heard that excuse used over and over as to why a person mistreat someone who is trying to help them. I even heard the women whom they were abusing say these things. These men showed one side to the counselors and another side to her. Mark my word, there was not a self esteem problem. It’s a egoistic problem..One thing they all had in control and that was a control freak issue. They are the best actors in the world. They could change personalities on a dime.
            Some of the main reasons they gave were:
            1. I had a cruel childhood 2. My mom was a horrible woman. 3. My dad was abusive to my mother 4. My ex cheated on me (many times if you got an opportunity to talk to the ex-wife or girlfriend you learned he was lying. Or abusing her too as to why she became his ex.) 5. No body understand me
            Just to name a few. They would boldly tell the counselor what they were going to say and vow she would believe them over you. 95% of the time she did and then walk out with her wearing a smirk of triumphant. The moment she walked out that door with him to go back to him you knew it was going to be a cycle going around and around until some one seriously got hurt. This was a game to people like that.
            Most people who truly know what a heart break actually is and have truly suffered in life learns compassion not the other way around. No amount of love compassion or empathy changes people unless they wish to change.
            On Thu, May 18, 2017 at 11:11 AM, The Little Mermaid wrote:
            > The Little Mermaid commented: “Sure! XO” >

            1. Wow! This comment couldn’t have been any truer. So eventually, it coagulates to the problem of EGO. The other day, I was in a training on “Managing Efficiency in Organisations” and the lecturer, who was a fairly pleasant chap, was explaining to us how to find the root cause of any problem at work through the fishbone diagram, also known as the Ishikawa diagram. Surprisingly, all the stumbling blocks in a company at whatever hierarchy-from top level management to low level management have their root cause the ego of the stakeholders. Once you change the ego, the issue is solved. He seized the opportunity to add that we can apply the Fishbone diagram to solve the problems in our personal lives also, stating that the germ would redound to the ego after we have reached the fifth ‘why’ of the 5-Why analysis. It was a very interesting class.

              Coming back to this over-possessive boyfriend, he fully fits your description of an egoistical person. Such people are born opportunists and their cynicism will allow them to do a complete about turn in the blink of an eye if they think it will suit their purposes. To hang out with a narcissist is to scrape the bottom of the barrel, to say the least.

              Thank you very much for your input. It’s greatly appreciated. X

  34. Heading down this new journey to Love, that I have found myself on, I can relate to much of what has been written. I learned, eventually, that to Love is to let go and allow yourself to be chosen. It is to give yourself 100% to your partner and trust them, as you embrace the relationship. It’s a vulnerable place but a place that allows you to, over time, grow secure. It’s been an exhilarating journey!
    I love how you’ve written this with just the right amount of sarcastic humour. My favourite kind! LOL!

    1. Ditto, Darren! Speaking of which, let me share a delightful quote by C.S Lewis with you.

      “There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell.”

      My best wishes to you friend. May you always stay loved and in love! Cheers! X

        1. Of course you can share it. I’m on instagram as ‘The Little Mermaid’, but that account has been quite inactive lately. I’m too lazy to go about uploading pictures. Haha! You can still follow me, I’ll follow back and keep in touch. Happy Thursday! X

          1. Would love to keep in touch. I had a little look on Instagram and there are several (actually, lots!) of Little Mermaids. LOL! When you have time, you can add me: “geminidimension” and follow my life stories there. Happy Thursday to you too!

  35. Sadly, I know the single dating world all too well. When I thought my journey was complete, after 7 years with someone, and getting married, losing them to an affair was hard. I don’t know where to begin looking again. The world of dating is so vastly different then it used to be. God’s grace though.

  36. I enjoyed reading this article. I read it from the beginning to the end. So many of us experience the exact same things, we don’t realize that we are all so alike! Thanks for sharing, and congratulations on breaking free of your narcissist!

  37. Thank you for a very accurate, detailed, and insightful look at how abusive people typically behave! Your post deserves to be as widely read as possible.
    I think you were quite discerning to see the person for who he was, and quite wise to leave him as soon as you did. From what I’ve seen, such people can be extraordinarily charming at first. In fact, it can be nearly impossible to recognize an abusive person when you first get to know them because they tend to come across as genuinely decent, and incredibly supportive people — until they sense you’ve made some kind of emotional commitment to them. Then they turn ugly.

  38. I love Kahlil Gibran. He is one of my favorite poets. „But let there be spaces in your togetherness. And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.“ that‘s one of the best advises for happy and awake relationships. This is my understanding of a „Holy Relationship“ in which two souls have been joined in a truly common purpose by the Holy Spirit to learn the lesson of oneness, forgiveness and unconditional love. Such a relationship is a source of salvation, healing and empowerment. A Course in Miracles describes it as a „ark of peace“:

    „The ark of peace is entered two by two, yet the beginning of another world goes with them. Each holy relationship must enter here….“

    But the most relationships in this world are primarily driven by the ego. Two egos do join together in temporary allegiance, but always for what each one can get separately. The ego is a source of conflict and drama and the Spirit is a source of peace and joy.

    1. Hi Der Krieger, your comment and video on the concept of ‘holy relationship’ as being both a philosophy and an actual experimental reality is very inspirational. I’m pretty certain that lovers who are in a holy relationship have the distinctive ability to fill their cups to the brim, over and over again.

      Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. It is much appreciated.

      Sending love and light to you X

  39. Hi, and thank you for enjoying my blogs. But I just started a new one on writing and not my opinion on different topics. Your blog about being possessive should help a lot of people going through the same problems. And I’m glad you’re free from that. Take care now.

      1. Thank you. But I’m still making comments on things that most of us can relate to. Take care.

  40. Thanks for the like, which brought me to reading this. Good you said it was a ‘long distance’ relationship. The guy is an idiot, apart from other things. Being farcical (it would make a good stage play!) you managed to make me laugh a lot despite the serious nature of your ‘complaint’. I’m just glad he was dumped. You will for sure find (or have found) a real man.

    1. Thanks a lot for visiting my blog and enjoying this article. I’m glad it brought chuckles to your face. (intentionally or unintentionally, I don’t even know) Haha!

      Your support is much valued.🙂

  41. I have known my share of insecure jealous boyfriends. They forced my female friends to stop being my friend. My friend complimented my writing and her bf said he or me and I haven’t heard from her in three years. One guy didn’t like I wrote a book for his gf who sought me out as a friend and liked my writing. I wrote her a book and he sent me some conflicted message because he didn’t like what I was doing but he knew I wasn’t trying to steal his girlfriend. I do this for all my female and male friends. The worst was when I wished a girl happy halloween and the bf cut me from the team. Strange nothing comes from halloween talk.

  42. Been there, done that. Learned my lesson well. Been in my second marriage now for almost 29 years. Happiness does exist in a healthy relationship. Healthy being the optimum word here! Best of luck to you.

  43. Happy to hear you figured it out and got of the relationship. Psycho is the right word for this type of person. The really sad thing is other people can often spot psychos, warn their victims, and many women (and some men) choose to ignore the warnings, and the out come is never good. I have lost friends, both women and men, by telling to dump their psychos before it was too late. While, many friends eventually thanked me for planting the seed that finally opened their eyes, our friendships suffered and were never the same. Psychos have a way of aversely effecting many people’s lives associated with their victims.

  44. Yikes! That’s quite a catalogue of controlling behavior. I am absolutely sure that with your intelligence and personality you will have wide latitude choosing someone who will appreciate and cherish you. There’s no need, as Shakespeare might say, to pay worship to a garish sun. 😉 Glad you continue to enjoy my posts. Always a pleasure to see your photo.

  45. I hope you find a decent Neptune type to strum pleasantly, Little Mermaid, instead of this ineptune twanger… (ooh sorry, can I blame that on jet leg. At least I didn’t spell twanger with a k and silent ‘t’ as was the tempting (and probably right) thing to do 🙂 ) As for his thoughts on the dentistry trade, if that’s his m.o. for getting an emergency appointment who are we to judge 😉

  46. Could you share a bit about your bio with me for inclusion in the re-blog? Also, do you have another mug shot besides the one on your blog I could use as well? I will include these in my re-post as well as promote your site and include a link back to your site.

  47. I’m sorry you had to go through that the only up side is that you can see this kind of man much more easily but it shouldn’t happen in the first place.
    Take care xo hugs

  48. I understand that marriage counseling is a good alternative to getting a divorce in many cases, however, I had a friend who was in counseling with her fiancee. Should kinda tell you that if you can’t survive an engagement you probably aren’t going to make it through the marriage. They did marry…long story short she had a man doll in her desk that was wearing a suit that she would take out and punch…and yes they are divorced. Duh.
    I shouldn’t talk. I’ve been married three times myself…but I have finally learned the warning signs. If I outlive this one, I can guarantee there won’t be another one!

  49. I hope you have been able to consign this bad relationship to the back pages of your thoughts. You are clearly a strong and intelligent woman, and I wish you a healthy and happy future.

  50. wow. I finished reading The Prophet last month and I was enchanted by it. And now seeing something from that book here is so beautiful.
    Nicely written … glad to have found your blog. cheers. 😊👍

  51. Wow this is spot on darlin…I can tell you without even a blink..i’m sorry you have also experienced this, great post..only someone who lived it can write it that way.

  52. Glad to hear that you escaped his clutches. That was an emotionally abusive relationship, and could have escalated to violence.
    I have volunteered with organizations that help women out of these situations. Consider yourself extremely lucky, and STAY STRONG!!

  53. Yeeesh! That’s some serious signs of insecurity. Good to know you got your leg out of that bear trap. Clearly shitty experiences but at least we can learn from that. Cheers! Great post!

  54. Funny, witty, but painfully truthful. Sometimes I wonder why knowing all of it we are scared to walk out of a relationship. Is it our own insecurity, the desire to hold onto the relationship lest we land up being alone, or is something else I am missing?

  55. A wonderful read. I agree with you totally. It takes a strong woman to either “step up” or “step out” to borrow your words up there. I don’t see why anyone should hang-on to a relationship that fills his/her heart with turmoil, anxiety, distress, pains, depression,etc. The thing is- people hardly change, those traits will remain. One’s best bet is to move on. As in “step out.” Good riddance to bad rubbish. I’m glad you did.

  56. Oh my god!! True!!!!! Every bit of it!! And, I am extreamely feeling awkward to admit the fact that I know what exactly it feels like. Yes, already gone throught it (at a very early age) forget it anyway… thankyou so much for this post!!! Wanted somebody to understand me, you did!! Love you!!! ^_^

  57. Great post. Khalil Gibran’s master piece was the best concluding. Very thoughtful and thorough analysis. Also hat’s off to you that you could come up with this master piece after having suffered his garbage world. An Indian would say ‘Kamal kichad me hi khilte he’.

  58. It’s very true….
    All the feelings are right up there….
    It’s good to see such issues up in the spotlight rather than the words describing love in all beautiful ways possible 💖
    Very well scripted 😊

  59. You gave a lot of clear identifying factors of a possessive person. I feel they resemble what many students call a “bully.” There are “gaslight” descriptions from a movie and “women who love too much” characteristics. I was controlled. I had a bad relationship. I hope people will find balanced and happy relationships with real love. ❤

  60. Congratulations on your bold move, it takes strength to do that, but then you are a mermaid!
    I tried to figure out how to tackle difficult relationships in the Relationships category of my blog
    In some posts that include
    .”3 Types Of Relationships You Must Quit”
    . “Why Some People Suffer Over Matters Of The Heart”
    . “Loving The Wrong People”
    . “Useful Idiot”
    . “7 Secrets For Men’s Eyes Only”

  61. I know some of this points. Not all of them. My ex was just weak, insecure and jealous person but that was enought to ruin me emotionally when I was running out of this. So can’t even imagine what you’ve must to go through. So good to be out… Glad that you too.

  62. My wife and I were having dinner in a restaurant Thursday night. A couple came in and were seated near us. The man launched into a tirade at the woman about everything she was doing that was making him miserable in their “relationship.” However, it was clear to both my wife and I that he was a selfish, possessive and abusive (verbally if not physically) jerk. He was so obnoxious that we hurried our otherwise nice dinner so we could leave. I very nearly went over to their table to tell him to shut up – not only was he verbally abusive of this woman, he was LOUD. She should have gotten up and walked out. I hope she finds the will to get out of what is clearly an emotionally if not physically abusive relationship. My fear for her is that if he is that abusive in public, he must be a real horror in private …

  63. Hi. This is something that a lot of people should read because they’re going through these problems. But it’s hard to pull them out of it. Even when they seek help from a doctor. Women seem to be in more of these relationships than men, but that doesn’t matter. So many stories and books are out there on these kinds of problems, so I hope your blog will help at least some of them.

  64. Emphasis placed on, “. . . to grow, to learn and most importantly to discern.” This is key to survival, and ultimately thriving.

  65. Hi Urvashi are you recovering well from your experience? You are a strong in forgiveness Urvashi, a tough but worth while trail to travel.

  66. I am glad I don’t have one, but I have met people like these and they can drive you nuts!
    Beaware of who and how you talk to people

  67. May I kindly know in what sense are my previous deliberations paradoxical to Kahlil’s quote?

    Yes, Urvashi you may ask and I hope my answers clarify my meaning. The risk in answering the question is this when meaning is clarified, are you going to be offended or is it going to be accepted as a different way of looking at love. This attempt to answer your question will be a point of view, open for discussion; it is completely okay with me if we agree to disagree! This being understood here we go!

    I thank you Urvashi for asking this question. Your question hints to me that there is a fearless side to you; yes, a wild side that has not been tamed by the troubles of this world. I think it is one of the reasons I enjoy your writing. Now on to the paradoxes that I observed on the subject of incongruences between you and Kahlil’s view on love. After doing a little reading on the man I think I am in deep water, extremely deep indeed. Deeper than I expected with my disagreement!

    The basic premise of my answer is this. When Urvashi writes of love it appears to me that the writing comes from within the bounds of love. I admit the bounds of love are huge and in some ways infinite. Next, love given by God is by the nature of its source in God and heaven love is perfect. Yes, as we practice love, we are imperfect; love as we pursue it does not have this problem of imperfection.

    For reference: For God so loved the world he gave…. This gift did not demand a positive result but gave choice. Love in its essence has every single attribute for people to love each other without outside influence. Love has space; Jesus withdrew to a solitary place to pray. Love has direction, when Jesus was talking to Peter, get behind me Satan; Jesus was not going to be stopped on his mission to love humankind.

    Love has strength, which indicates a bond, even a very strong bond, God loved us and gave his life for everyone, not just for those who return and say thank you God and I accept your love, everyone! This would indicate a strong bond to me contained within love. There is so much more to say on love.

    Kahlil’s quote:
    But let there be spaces in your togetherness.
    And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
    Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

    I believe this is the quote that I responded to most strongly spurring your question Urvashi. The spaces within togetherness is included in love, not a guest that is invited to dinner now and again. The winds of heaven dancing between two lovers is very much included in love, but not necessarily between the two people but a part of them deeply steeped within respect and care of the one they love. The exclusion of a bond seems to indicate you can be replaced.

    In my opinion as I read this quote, it invites other things into love. From what heaven are the breezes coming from? Yes, god is silently thought of god of, but what god. If love is perfect from God what improvement is need? Yes, we need understanding to learn of love and correction to love. This would imply another bond; that we believe love is wonderful and is worth changing ourselves to the shape of love and its perfection, a deep longing. No, we will not make it to the shape of love here but we can get closer. Yes, by the way yes we should love one another even those who despitefully use us or is that unlovingly use us.

    I look back at all my past girlfriends and ex-wife, and find that there is still care and loving for them within me no matter how it ended. ( A bond demonstrated, I wonder? ) No, not wanting to get back with them, but hopes that they will find what they were looking for, maybe I was too afraid to admit could happen or demands that were far beyond me. The relationships did not work out.
    As I look at love today, it covers a multitude of situations. However, the special love that I want to share with a mate would definitely include bond/commitment. A true one-flesh kind of love that starts from the inside then works its way out. This kind of bond is not a prison term but a joy term!

    I may have read many things into your writings that were not there. Your writings were and are filtered through my life experience and most likely morphed in meaning to my perspective. I would appreciate it if you would tell me some of the things that you meant in your writings (that we have talked about here, maybe more). Maybe places that I got it right and maybe places I got a wrong.

    Just keep writing Urvashi I appreciate your wildness of heart. Nothing I have said is ever intended to discourage you in thought or soul. I do desire to express a strong opinion in the matter of love. This would not have been happening if you did not write in such a way that I stopped my pounding down and denying this part of me. I thank you for letting God use you in this way in my life.

    I really did not realize what I was doing as I pounded this part down. Amazing, how God can use someone I do not even know to help me see what damage I am doing to myself. No, I am not saying this response is your fault (LOL) I take full responsibility. I do say my opinion on love still has edges that need to be broken, resurrected, and formed into the shape of love.

    With Gratitude:

  68. Maybe, there are these people because there are fairy tales? There are romances that pervert a normal boring relationship. I am boring. I know you’re speaking on romantic relationship but this personality presses on office culture, public events, and even in traffic.

  69. Communication is a bitch! (No offense to male or female.) Once communication breaks down, it seems that education opportunities for who keeps trying are endless, until one finally says, FUCK IT! and bails. Ain’t no point staying in dead relationship, except for education/experience.

  70. Beauty, I am dearly sorry to learn of your plight. But even more happier you got out. So many women do not it make it. Society do not take domestic violence as serious as it is. Despite your experience, you will be even stronger in the end. But unfortunately, this is far more common than not. And also unfortunately, most societies encouraged this behavior among men. Most men who conduct themselves in such a manner are not insecure. Most have too much esteem. They have been taught that women and girls are inferior to them and can not be trusted. Even in the wedding vows some ministers still asks the woman to love, honor and ‘obey’ him. I am not excusing it because when people progress enough to know better then they should do better.

  71. Beautifully expressed. I hope all the women going through such relationships get the courage to leave. It may be hard, it may take them long to do it, but I pray that they grow strong enough to leave.

  72. Fortunately, dealing with such characters is behind me now and I’ve been married for 16 years. However, my kids are now moving into their teens and as a parent, their choice of boyfriend/girlfriend is a huge concern. Back in the day, so much of that seemed to be about being in the same place at the same time. Or, the result of too many drinks. However, I now see your choice of a life partner is the biggest decision you’ll ever make and it’s often very difficult to undo the consequences of mistakes.
    Humph. I better start getting them thinking now before the emotions take over.
    xx Rowena

  73. Little Mermaid, you know:
    Woman, human, intelligent, discerning, feminine, beautiful, charming, sexy, sensitive, poetess, skilled in the use of words, … an inspiration!

    The man you described is a cliché.
    I believe there are women like that, too.

    If you will allow me a question:
    Because? Why enter into this? And take the risk of not leaving? For many, do not live …

  74. Another common theme in those relationships would be “gas lighting” – making you believe it’s all you, you are the problem, you make him the way he is. It’s so fucked up. I wrote an article on my blog “Learning Lessons From Horrible People” although my “abuser” was a woman.
    I really enjoy your blog and this article!

  75. I had one of these boyfriends a long time ago and endured years of absolute hell before something just clicked in my head one day and no matter what he did or said had any affect on me, I had no feeling at all. It was the start of my journey back to me, I never looked back, ever, not even a glance. It was a long journey, I had been stripped of my sense of self, the bubbly sparkle had gone. It took many years but I’m me again. Your post is absolutely spot on.

  76. Thanks for sharing your experience. Surely someone will be helped! Especially when you point out a ”healthy romantic relationship should be to inspire each other intellectually, emotionally, physically and spiritually”! If this ruler is used there might be more women who depart sooner🤔 Well said🙂👏🏾

  77. Thank you for sharing such an honest piece. By writing this you just might make one person stop and think. Thank you x

  78. What a delightful surprise for me this morning to find that you have explored my blog to find some choice selections to your liking.
    Is it love if, the pleasure of the belove is not first priority? Should not the freedom of the one you love, be embraced and encouraged? I wish for the one I love to be free to come and go as she pleases and if I am not the one, then, by all means, go find what or who it is that will facilitate your finding bliss in this temporal sentence of this earthly life. Have a blessed day and Thank you!

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