Beware! Facebook Is Satan’s Tool! 

In this current age of an inordinately dangerous swell of anti-intellectualism and information warfare, Facebook is, in great measure, accountable for the demise of culture, stability and privacy in our lives. I’m not the least bit sorry to aver, esteemed tech mogul-Mr Mark Zukerberg, aka The Android, that your creation has brought about a widespread degradation of human values, of talents and of our ability to perceive logically. But why would you even give a monkey’s at all when you have built yourself and your future generations an empire of cosmic proportions? Admist the ongoing Facebook and Cambridge Analytica scandal, there could not be a more providential time for me to express the reasons for my surging hate when using this overrated social media platform.

1. For a start, those who use a fake name and a fake profile picture make my blood boil.

I understand that the Dad’s Princess, the Mumma’s Angel and the Queen Bella should either be suffering from a special kind of identity crisis or they must be living in the land of Narnia; but I wonder why they feel compelled to let the whole world know about that. Gauche, mousy idiots! And I swear that over my regrettably dragged-out eight years’ subscription to the site, I have also come across one profile of a teen girl named ‘Zoe’s Property’, nicknamed ‘Happily Taken’. Believe me! In these scenarios, even Amnesty International and the UN can do sweet fuck all for the rights of those desperate little hogs. Wait a minute-it doesn’t end here. People who have a face that only a mother could love are often seen uploading Brad Pitt’s or Selena Gomez’s photos as their profile pictures. Seriously, these are the most insecure retards ever who have no existence in my world. Argh! It never rains but it pours.

2. Those who post every single detail of their wretched lives have to be skinned alive.

Facebook should, in my humble opinion, be used to share significant milestones about your life or moments that touched you in a way or another with your close friends and relatives. A humdrum status as “Heading to the grocery store, gotta start laundry, change the diapers then prepare dinner” or something as “Feeling blessed to check in to the hospital to visit Uncle Jack during his last days” irk the shit out of me. And then, there are couples who write all over each other’s walls to express their mutual love and affection- EW STAAAPH IT! You are making the rest of us sick with your lovey dovey posts. The same goes for parents who are every other day posting about how proud and fortunate they feel to have a uniquely talented little Picasso of a son who very ingeniously, I must say, can make this:

To those facebookers who cannot resist the demonic temptation to post dry statuses: Lets’s play hide-and-seek. I’ll hide your lame status updates while you seek a life! Done?

3. Vaguebooking is a sin.

Vaguebooking is when you really want to divulge something but you hesitate to jump off that scary cliff, so you post it on facebook anyways because you PURPOSEFULLY write it in such a way that it would take an army of code-breakers, a psychic and the entire FBI to figure out what the hell you just said. Mary is “wondering if it’s all worth it in the end.” Charles writes: “Please forgive me. It hurts so bad.” Brainless attention-seeking bastards! What’s the meaning of this? I’m almost certain that even Dan Brown would not be able to decode those kind of cryptic messages in at least three sequels of his thrillers.

4. Extremists’ rants? Now, that’s going too far!

There are people who use Facebook to pass on unhealthy extremist ideas in a very bad taste- spanning from political, religious, feminist to vegan to their fellow friends. Please keep your personal attacks against Hillary to yourself. It’s alright if you are imbecile enough to believe your God is better than mine, but for Pete’s sake, do not sing the glory of His name on Facebook all day long.

5. The I-believe-everything-I-read posts? Ça fait chier!

Facebook is inundated with those bullshitier than bullshit ever-elusive chain letters along the lines of “Share this or you will die”, “Type AMEN and you will be kissed by the love of your life before midnight”, “Comment YES if you want to receive a pot of gold within the next three days” or “Like the post and you will save this child from cancer”. Seriously though, how devoid of common sense and intelligence do people have to be, to be sharing this crap?

Likewise, ‘nincompoop’ is too mild a word to describe people who share bogus breaking news from fake sites on the internet such as, umm ‘’ and then go about screaming bloody murder because they have genuinely believed whatever they have read to be true.

6. Those excessive in-your-face selfies are the gravest of all Facebook faux pas.

Before Facebook, I did not know there were so many places where people can take photos. Now my wall is full of people posting selfies taken from everywhere one can possibly imagine: selfie of them waking up, selfie of them brushing their teeth, selfie of them pouting in their Victoria’s Secret lingerie, selfie of them on the loo having a bout of severe morning diarrhoea, selfie of them having a bath, selfie of them having breakfast, selfie of them getting ready for work, selfie of them in their car, selfie of them driving at 120 km/h, selfie of them in the office parking, selfie of them with their colleagues during a formal meeting, selfie of them with their boss even as he threatens to fire them if they don’t stop taking selfies, selfie of them at their table, selfie of them underwater, selfie of them in an operation theatre having a C-section, selfie of them working out, selfie of them before and after sex just so we can catch that post-orgasmic glow on their face and so on. The list is basically limitless.

7. Receiving odd friend requests is sort of bizarre and irritating AF.

Okay listen! Are you the type of person to strike a conversation with random people you meet on the streets to ask them about how their day went, what they had for dinner last night or what are they most looking forward to for the rest of the day? Or are you someone who bangs on the door of just anybody to query if they are doing fine? No? Then why hell do you send friend requests to strangers on Facebook and ask them such infuriating questions?

Facebook is not a stupid popularity competition. You rather come across as a maniac creep. That’s it! It also ticks me off when I receive friend requests from:
– People I hate (I don’t care if you are a neighbour or a blood relative whatever).
– Hideous guys who want to woo me. (I know I have an itsy-bitsy of je ne sais quoi that is particularly charming but isn’t it weird for someone I don’t even know to have a crush on me and send me a request?)
– Colleagues who do not understand the fine line between a co-worker and a friend.

8. Facebook predominantly underpins the notion that dumbness is in vogue.

A sense of collective madness seems to have taken over Facebookers. So, a man posts about the need to save the Northern White Rhinos from extinction through IVF and stem cells gets at most two likes and one comment from his roommate saying, “Pal, you really need to get laid”. On the other hand, a woman posts “I bought an orange today” gets 124 likes with 72 comments within a span of a few minutes.

Thus, you’d be dreadfully mistaken if you thought that the number of likes and comments on Facebook is directly proportional to the level of intellect of an individual. In the majority of cases, the two are inversely correlated.

9. Oh, good grief! Enough with the silly game invites!

Folks, let me be clear. I haven’t the slightest desire to waste my time on Facebook playing games. If you do spend your time on it, fine. That’s your business. But please do not send me nasty game invitations to participate in Farmville, Zooville or Candy Crush Saga. If you are really desperate, I will happily suggest a place for you where you can stuff your stupid game. And it is not far from your mouth as only an idiot talking/thinking through that particular orifice can have the nerve to think that anyone else on this planet is sufficiently brain dead to play these puerile games. Okay?
To cut off short, Facebook is Satan’s tool which exploits the vulnerability in human psychology by ensnaring people in the dopamine loop. Instant likes and comments trigger the feel-good factor in the brain, thereby rendering its digital consumption addictive. Yet, the good news is that you hold the reins and you have the power to decide what you share, with whom you share and how much of your time you share on the social media platform. Therefore, use it in a productive way. Do not abuse; for if you do, your next selfie shall be in a mental asylum! You’ve been warned!

Double, double toil and trouble;
Diaries burn and posts bubble.
Selfie of a fenny snake,
On Facebook boil and bake;
Eye of cyclone and toe of baby,
Wool of grandma and tongue of lady,
Jacob’s tag and Mia’s poke,
Lizard’s leg and howlet’s stroke,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

Double, double toil and trouble;
Diaries burn and posts bubble.
Cool it with a friend’s comment,
Then the charm is firm and well-meant.

(Adapted from: William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act 4, Scene 1)


Author: The Little Mermaid

My soul is an enthralling mystery, delicately concocted with some chaos and a little glee.

77 thoughts on “Beware! Facebook Is Satan’s Tool! ”

  1. Woah!! That was a roller-coaster ride…🖖👍… You have a strong voice, and mean to carry it loud and far…enjoyed every single word there. Needless to say I agree with you. But FB isn’t even worth talking about. Someone is making billions by making others stupid and kill their time and guess what.. the world hasn’t gotten a clue…all the people who understand this simple fact will always deserve my…well… time… that’s the most precious thing I have to offer. I hope that counts…😀😁🖖🤘

  2. Most of the things listed here are the characteristics of the users of the tool rather than of the tool itself. I don’t use Facebook myself, though so perhaps I have no say in the matter.

  3. First of all, I am not a hideous man out to woo you! I have a “girlfriend” old enough to be your grandmother. You pretty much hit everything bad about Facebook. I have never been on it. It was too superficial for me. I laughed at the uproar on the news about it, until I heard Facebook was also collecting personal data from people NOT on it from other sources. Then I stopped laughing. I may be old and old fashioned but I send my most personal messages on a piece of stationary (know what that is?) through the mail! Great thorough post by the way. You put a lot of thought into it I can see.

  4. Really! I have seen one video, in that video the Congress of America asks him some questions and Mr. Mark Zuckerberg didn’t give any answer on how Facebook works.

    Difficult situation!

  5. Hmm, I might not really get it.
    But you could basically switch off all of that by ticking or unticking some boxes in your settings.

  6. You have some very strong views here – I’m totally with you on this. The whole thing is a toxic tank of human waste and it’s about time it cleaned up it’s act or went!
    How are you btw? Keeping well? 🙂

  7. The constant new profile pictures with a new narcissistic selfie each day is the one that bugs me. After fifteen photographs, they AREN’T going to get any better. Just pick one because that is what you look like…

  8. Spot on! I could not have said it better myself. While I have a facebook page and author’s fan page, I have been giving serious consideration to closing them down. I am not sure the little bit of promotion I receive is worth the drama and invasion of privacy I am subjected to.

  9. Yes, yes & yes! You had me at the “Feeling blessed….” part. Every f*cker seems to be “feeling blessed” these days. I’m sick of it. 🙂

    I was going to write something about the whole Facebook hoo-ha, but then I realised that I don’t care.

    But this is a great post! Permission to reblog?

  10. I dumped FB several years ago, for many of the reasons contained in this post. What I’m most glad to be free of, are those friends and relatives who sit around and post dozens of stupid things per day. Kind of awkward to unfriend them without getting rid of FB altogether, so I just chose the nuclear option.

  11. Shakespeare would have written the same in his modern play MacFacebook. In iambic pentameter, no less. I would agree with you and The Bard and I keep threatening to leave Facebook behind if not for the few cousins and family members in other parts of the world.

  12. Nine. For. Nine. All great points which made me leave Facebook in 2013. Now my old man self goes on “The Twitter”. I use my REAL name, with this pic. This schmo name is my handle. Keepin’ it real, and turning woe into WHOA!

  13. This a really great post! I love your sarcasm! 😊 And you are right about everything! Facebook can do plenty of damage!

  14. Very creative to bring the Bard up to date. But, did you know that William S. anticipated “fake news.” Indeed, he did.
    Open your ears, for which of you will stop
    The vent of hearing when loud Rumor speaks?
    Upon my tongues continual slanders ride,
    The which in every language I pronounce,
    Stuffing the ears of men with false reports.
    Henry IV

    1. When did you delete your account? I’m so close to deleting mine but I’m linked to a school group on there. However, I’ve had it with the self-comparison bullshit and people posting stupid shit. No amount of curating and weeding out people has made the experience better.

  15. Brilliant! And you’ve given us a rather useful charm (or curse) to use to clean up our social media experience (regarding Facebook) thank you!

  16. I remember once writing a blog post about the ghost of Josef Stalin down in Hell where he laments on his rotating rotisserie barbecue spit that the Internet and social media weren’t around back in the days that he was dictator of the Soviet Union.
    If it had been, he could have saved a vast amount of money from the Soviet state’s GDP on not paying for a vast all-encompassing all seeing-eye all observing secret police service since citizens would openly blab every detail of their lives, their political and religious beliefs and all their secrets and what they currently look like and where they’re currently located in excruciatingly painful detail on a social media platform like Facebook.

  17. I never pitched my tent
    in the land of Facebookistan.
    My friends all sneered
    at my reluctance,
    saying, “come join us,
    the scenery if fine”.
    Now they ask
    how I knew
    that to sign on that
    dotted line
    was to become
    a victim of corporate crime.

  18. I agree. I don’t have FB or Instagram or Twitter, etc. I do have Linkedin and I find it’s pretty useless, and I have a Google account, which is just about as bad as FB, but I have to have the Google account because I use Google base maps in apps and programs I write for clients because our clients want Google Maps as part of their apps.

  19. I absolutely have to agree with every single thing you said. I have an Aunt who believes everything, another friend whose boyfriend whose partner does not have a Facebook, so she made a page for him. Not an actual profile, like a page and posts pictures in there of him…NOBODY CARES!lol
    You missed one group of people though!The ones who have 4000 “friends” who unfriend you for whatever reasons and make this huge public post about how lucky the other 3000 people should feel that they didn’t unfriend them…NOBODY CARES!lol

  20. I agree with you. I remember being a teenager when Facebook was at the height of its popularity, and I could never understand why people would document their entire lives on the site. I’ve always been concerned about privacy on social media, and I think people that haven’t been so concerned about their privacy are just starting to see the troubles.

  21. Though your post reg Facebook was interesting and make one go on and on to read, yet I feel to decipher the Mastery you possess over English, it would even make Shakespeare to think twice about how best he could have excelled you in writing. Though I desist reading lengthy post, I could not stop reading yours. Great work done: ‘LITTLE MERMAID’

  22. Reblogged this on Knackered Dad and commented:
    I was going to write a post on the Facebook privacy issues that have been in the news & why FB gets on my wick.

    Thankfully for me The Little Mermaid has captured my thoughts, so enjoy the reblog!

    I’m feeling blessed. 😉

  23. I couldn’t have said what you said any more articulately. Thank you. I had considered deleting my Facebook account back in 2011, but held off on it until last month. I started spending less and less time on it, to be honest. I even started deleting people from my friends list that I wasn’t going to keep in touch with or meet in person anytime soon.

  24. Thank you for speaking what I’ve been thinking for ages! I have a Facebook account and use it mostly to expand my blog. My husband lives on Facebook and it makes me crazy!
    I think the worst thing is when people get upset at me for not interacting with them on there. I’m never on. It’s not my thing. Get over it already!

  25. What does it say about me, that I look at FB as just ‘background noise’ the latest bacon-wrapped fad, and all the cutest kids doing dumb things videos. – all are noise. But I am stuck – a lot of memories got uploaded in the early ‘fun’ FB days. So quitting entirely from social media –esp as a blogger – I’d lose contact with a lot of old friends.

  26. I despise Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook. It was nice to see him squirm in front of Congress. He has taken advantage of so many of our human failings: vanity, insecurity, loneliness, ignorance and curiosity.

  27. Oh my goodness, you have over 5000 followers, and more than 60 comments just to this blog. And it took me forever just to read it.
    So I’m not reading all the comments too. To bad he’s not the Antichrist, or we could just kill him now and get on with life.
    When he went to CA and proliferated his scheme on campuses there, I wrote the Deans of the schools to have him arrested for solicitation and character defamation against the young coeds, guys were trying to score with.
    It all started at Harvard though, while guys sat around fantasizing on the females they wished to hook-up with. Because of his families influence and money, no one was the wiser to his soliciting pertinent and privileged information on the coeds, and then selling it to guys.
    What young, or old for that matter, woman doesn’t want to be swept off their feet. And he was a big hit and success quickly.
    When in CA the rape statistics went up 2000% on the campuses he was allowed to frequent. I wrote the AG in Washington to inform them of what was happening, as well as the SEC for not declaring his revenues. Today of course he’s worth over 50 billion dollars, and for some sort of penitence his wife is giving back $120 million to CA schools. That’s really not going to help the young girls who already sacrificed their morality to a smooth talking cad who used a cheat sheet to get into their panties.
    Hopefully not all of your posts are as in depth as this one, so I can read them without having to take an intermission. lol
    Anyways, this is only my 8th week here, and I have a lot of catching up to do.

  28. Great post, I so agree with you! I tried FB years ago, it stinks and has grown into a cancerous tumor. I hope people will wise up and dump the site. FB sucks.

  29. Its not mark or Facebooks fault its just the realities of the world we live in being brought to the forefront. If I give 2 people a million dollars a piece . One might decide to invest for the future the other might blow it all and end up worst of then they where to begin with . That’s social media. In Greek mythology, Narcissus (/nɑːrˈsɪsəs/; Greek: Νάρκισσος, Nárkissos) was a hunter from Thespiae in Boeotia who was known for his beauty. He was the son of the river god Cephissus and nymph Liriope.[1] He was proud, in that he disdained those who loved him. Nemesis noticed this behavior and attracted Narcissus to pool, where he saw his own reflection in the water and fell in love with it, not realizing it was merely an image. Unable to leave the beauty of his reflection, Narcissus lost his will to live. He stared at his reflection until he died. That’s a Facebook user looking at the computer monitor or there smart phone . It has nothing to do with being social but the gratification of the image that they are able to create they get lost in it . But you can use unsocial media for good though.

  30. I love this! Very well said. I’ve been there for years and tried to maintained a secure and very private page but that didn’t happen due to the drawbacks all pointed by you! and despite the privacy settings, I still feel so open. Its been long now since I visited my page also. Just can’t tolerate the rolling events of listed people. Too much explosion. Just saving my account for the sake of some old memories all set in private mode. Thanks for the honest write up 👍

  31. That was one excellent rant my friend.. And I am doubly delighted I never joined FB nor have had any intention to do so.. Though it might have some uses. I have heard it cause more harm than good spitting up families in their love hate wars of words..
    Such a platform should be more strictly monitored, but its a tool like many others being used to desensitise human beings as they all become clones and follow suit..
    Wishing you a great week.. And take care..
    Hugs Sue

  32. What was once useful has indeed reduced itself into everything you assert. I post there from my blog and get very few views and fewer likes. Not that I care, just an observation. I enjoy blogging so much more, the interaction is real and thoughtful. I concur!

  33. Great post..agreed..I’ve been off facebook for over a year now and the only thing I miss is retrieving the years of photos..the stories of deceit and the sneaky ass ways its used disgusts me…Great passionate rant!

  34. I am not sure if you are aware of this yet, but Facebook is really good at making us hate each other.
    I have lost count of the number of times I have seen a post from a person I admired, or respected, that sent my fingers in a flurry across my phone screen, thumbs first. I’m also a collector. I screenshot to store evidence before metaphorically adding their name to the list of “friends” who are dead to me.
    You can imagine what was on my newsfeed. Probably very similar to yours. Everyday people, suddenly becoming politicians, writing memoirs and soliloquies about how much they love/hate politicians, believe in Women’s equality, or…don’t…because apparently that’s a thing? People who I once thought were intelligent, lovely human beings, suddenly became grotesque monsters and I wondered how it took me this many years to notice. I saw statuses that truly left me speechless. I couldn’t fathom how people in their right minds could broadcast such polarizing posts. And then I remembered one of the reasons I started logging off social media one day a week: “over-use desensitizes you”.
    Remember, empathy is dying, and demigods are thriving. A hit is a hit, bring on the dopamine. Facebook fights typically barrel roll, leaving everyone demolished in their path. No one ever wins, and you bring the crazies out of the woodwork. These fights cause anxiety, they make you angry, and they fill your phone storage with screen shots where there could be selfies. 😦

  35. Great post! I would add something one commenter briefly mentioned, and that is Google. Not only do they have more info on a user than FB does, they are enablers of people such as FB and Twitter. You are wise to be cautious and to point out both the silliness and sadness of those who hang it all out on FB. Blessings to you and yours, and keep up the great work.

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