N.B. The article has been written assuming the male is the over-possessive one. However, it can be either way.
Alright guys! Know that feel of getting super excited about walking in a zoo where you encounter a myriad of wild and uncivilised creatures? Well that’s exactly how it feels when you enter the vast dating world, the sole difference being that in the latter case, the excitement lasts just for one hundredth of a nanosecond. Yeah! Joking aside, I’ve very recently come out of a toxic, long distance relationship with an edgy, mentally deranged, over-possessive boyfriend. It was a highly unpleasant experience. By sharing the traumatic ordeal with you on this platform, I want you to grow, to learn and most importantly to discern. I try to build others up because I know what it’s like to be torn down.
Now, let’s get back to the main issue-What is over-possessiveness and why is it venomous in a couple? By definition, to ‘possess’ is to own, to control, to dominate. You can possess, thereby claim your right to ownership over a car, a house or a book. But you can’t possess an individual to keep her with you. Unlike an inanimate material object, a person is to be loved, valued, honoured and cherished in her own kingdom. Being over-possessive towards someone is therefore easily seen as a manifestation of one’s inherent weaknesses, limitations, insecurities, needs and fears. If you are in a relationship with an insecure person, most of your energy will be spent in constantly proving your sentiments to him. No matter how much you try to convince him of his awesomeness or to heal him with patience and compassion, all your efforts will go down the drain if that person doesn’t face his demons himself. Below are the forewarning signs that your boyfriend is over-possessive and why you, as a strong woman, need to take the exit door as soon as possible.
1. Every male is a potential threat to him.
-You go to the gym for workouts.
Translates to: You are kinkily sitting on your fitness instructor’s lap while he is demonstrating to you how to execute a proper bench press.
-You visit your dentist for a dental check-up.
Translates to: You are opening your mouth wide and giving him a blowjob inside the room.
-You strike a business deal with a partner.
Translates to: The businessman agreed to do business with you because you are sleeping with him.
-A family member genuinely compliments you.
Translates to: He is flirting with you.
Gross thinking! I know, right? But I’m telling you. An over-possessive person’s mind is always filled with such perverted suppositions and you’ll gradually begin to wonder if he is not actually the one involved in all those cheap deeds behind your back?!
2. He deprecatingly downplays your strengths, achievements and abilities.
The end goal of the persons involved in a healthy romantic relationship should be to inspire each other intellectually, emotionally, physically and spiritually. The relationship functions as one team. For all that, a goosey boyfriend who unfortunately ain’t got the brains God gave a squirrel will view your freedom, confidence and power to hold your own in the relationship a menace to his bloated ego. He will find ways to bring you down for being an independent badass without his help. Instead of motivating you and feeling proud of you, he will attempt to convince you that you are nothing without him. You scare his little pussy (insecure men have a pussy, don’t you laugh) because you are whole all by yourself. Now, can you imagine, my boyfriend has never ever complimented me for my looks or anything like that? 99% of the time I’m the one to initiate intimacy and Mr Insecure is either busy or not in the mood? The reality of truth is different. He is jealous, hence shying away from positive reinforcement.
3. He stalks you everywhere.
An acquaintance has ‘liked’ your picture on facebook? Great! World War 3 starts. You were last seen online on WhatsApp 16 minutes ago and accidentally missed replying to his message? You’re dead! You didn’t send him a good morning text the moment you woke up? Ah, then forget about having a proper conversation with him for the rest of the day. The psycho will inscrutably have an eye on each of your moves on social media and in real life. He destroys your right to privacy and to your ‘me time’. He makes you feel untrustworthy by doubting your loyalty. If you encourage this demented behaviour by validating your faithfulness whenever he takes the odious liberty to point a finger at you, you’ll eventually reach a point where you have to ask for his permission before going for a piss. You’ll be engulfed with suffocation.
4. He creates drama in the relationship.
An over-possessive boyfriend is generally a selfish, demanding, inconsiderate brat who believes himself to be the absolute centre of the universe. He will go to any length to receive your undivided attention. He is more likely to engage in drama and wants you to partake in his horseshit that drains you of happiness, tranquility and bliss. He thinks that he is spicing up the relationship by bringing in tears, tension, suspense and stress. But listen carefully girl! You can’t control his comportment. You don’t even want that burden. But you can refuse to play the second fiddle in his story. You have standards-they step up or they step out. Life is short. Peace of mind is a priority. Fuck him. Sometimes it takes balls to be a woman.
5. He tricks you into accepting that he is the ultra ‘beau idéal’.
He has a successful career, a nice house, a dick and is an excellent bathroom singer. So what? Does this give him the right to bully you and to make you feel worthless? Hello Mr, there are approximately 3, 571, 374, 099 males in the world, who are a million times more capable than you, willing to give away everything to be at your coveted place. Okay? Suck up this self-aggrandizing demeanor. A strong woman is with you out of choice, never out of need. An over-possessive person, because he sees you as his property, takes you for granted. Little does he realise that only a fool would gamble with something so rare and precious as a good woman’s love. Just because he is too self-absorbed and a control freak who cannot value you doesn’t mean that you are not valuable. A masterpiece does not stop being a masterpiece because the lights are off and the doors are closed.
6. He plays the victim to get his way.
My boyfriend had no qualms of conscience at all to apologize when he wronged me. Words like ‘Please’, ‘Sorry’ and ‘Thank You’ are alien to him because he is always right. As a matter of fact, mature masculinity is not abusive, domineering or grandiose but generative, creative and empowering. A real man is vulnerable without shame. He has learnt how to swallow his pride. He has learnt how to forgive. An over-possessive lunatic exhibits narcissistic traits with an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Filled with envy and arrogance, he will exploit you emotionally to get things done as he so desires. In a narcissist’s mind, they can never be the bad guy. They can never faulter. They can never sin. They are the most honourable saints to have trodden the planet.
7. He resorts to extreme measures to ‘punish’ you.
“When you love something, you don’t threaten it. You don’t punish it. You fight for it. You take care of it. You put it first.”-Leslie Knope
By default, an insecure person is always afraid that you are going to leave him for someone better. Therefore, he tends to keep you on your toes. The last thing he wants is for you to feel safe and secure in the relationship. It gives him pleasure to be above you in every way and when you feel insecure, it makes him secure in turn. The silent treatment, anger, aggressive talking and frequent threats of break-ups are some of the dangerous tools that he uses to keep you in his grip.
On a concluding note, an unsurpassable classic masterpiece unto itself, The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran is wisdom spoken.
MARRIAGE, pg 9
“Then Alrnita spoke again and said, And what of Marriage, master?
And he answerd saying:
You were born together, and together you shall be for evermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness.
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
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