Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2018

-Knock! Knock!

 -Who’s there?

-New Year!!!

Ding-a-ling! I can hear the dulcet timbre of Christmas and New Year as we gladly mosey into 2018. What a world of mirthful jollity a novel beginning brings! 

Inside each one of us, there is a river that flows. That river is hope. When overflowing with love, it keeps everything fresh and alive everywhere it reaches, enhancing the beauty of the landscape. However, after a long severe drought, it slowly dries up; leaving in its aftermath unrealised dreams and unmet goals. Absence of hope is despair and despair is essentially destructive. We all need to struggle to keep hope alive and not surrender to despair because nobody can survive without hope. We need hope as we need oxygen. The act of living is, in itself, an act of hope. The festive season is like monsoon which exuberantly fills up the dried up river- it’s a compass to those who have lost their bearings, to some- a license to renew forgotten promises. The gist of celebrating New Year is to leave behind all your mental stress as you see the sparkle in the eyes of your loved ones, to burn your negative emotions in the incandescent fireworks and to ditch your past histories and anything that makes you unhappy as you pop open that splendid bottle of champagne. This is the best part of New Year’s- a psychological lift that every human being needs from time to time. 

One question which irks all of us, however is, “Why do we feel that time is flying us by?” A review of my year so far will be a series of shots of me saying: “I can’t believe it’s 2017 already. I can’t believe Christmas is gone. I can’t believe I’m back to work. I can’t believe the weekend is almost over. I can’t believe it’s Monday already. I can’t believe the week is over. I can’t believe it’s the weekend again. I can’t believe January is over already. I can’t believe October is about to end. I can’t believe it’s December already. I can’t believe 2017 is almost over.” As we grow older, we have the freakish impression that time moves faster and faster, that the earlier periods of our lives seemed to last longer. Like nowadays, the weekend seems to be only thirty minutes long. It is as if, unbeknown to us, time is secretly being coarctated. I think the reason for this disparity in our experience of time has to do with how involved we are with the events in our life. Something that captures our attention and emotion will seem to last longer. The problem is that nowadays we live our life like we are travelling in a speedboat, in a race against time, always focusing on our next destination. We live our life hopping from one deadline to another, one project to another, one birthday in the weekend to a birthday in the next, a football league match this week to a cup match the next. Our attention is not in the present moment, we are always being dragged away from what we consider to be mundane activities that yet constitute the major chunk of our life. If we want to change things around onwards, we probably need to think of the journey like we are travelling in a glass bottom boat, where there are many wonders right here under our feet, giving depth to every moment and making the journey more long-lasting and pleasurable. 

To mark the occasion, I’d like to remind you, my loved ones, of our priorities: to make the world we live in a kinder, more peaceful place through our actions. Help whoever you can, whenever you can. I believe success, when shared, has a multiplier effect. It’s not about leaving anyone behind. It’s about helping pull everyone, and humanity in general, ahead. Do not be stingy when it comes to sharing love, compassion and sympathy; for in the end, from dust we were made, to dust we shall return.

Guys, I cannot fathom driving without street signs, traffic signals and no rules. Just the same, I cannot fathom blogging without YOU! Yes! YOU! YOU’RE FAB! Blogging has been the ideal escape for my soul struggling from the darkness of worldly wickedness to the light of fond camaraderie. You have all been very amiable to me and appreciative of my posts throughout 2017. Words alone cannot express the immense gratitude I feel in my heart. You, 4 191 people, deserve more than mere thank you’s, really. As I come to a close, I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year 2018. May the year 2018 give you the opportunity to realize your dreams, rediscover your strengths, muster your willpower and rejoice in the simple pleasures that life would bring your way. 

I love you! 

Cheers! 

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Propelling Your Blog As The Next Hot Ticket Item

Eureka! I’ve finally discovered the secret to blogging success! The good news is that I can’t wait to share the magic potion with all of you! Whoot!

Ready?

Let’s get started…

What is ‘blogging success’ at the outset? Is it something achievable? Is it quantifiable? For me, a successful blog is one that is loved by all. A blog that is pampered in its niche attracts thousands of visitors, garners hundreds of likes and is home to a never-ending string of comments. A successful blog stands out from the rest because, well, it is amazeballs. But what does it take for an amateur to get there? Did it cross your mind at some point in time that those established bloggers were starters, like you? Yeah? Good!

1. Passion

 

Passion is the key to unlock the door to blogging success. When you blog, you have to do it out of love, for its own sake; and not for money or for digital attention. Let me share my story with you. As a little child, whenever I was sad or depressed, I closed myself in my room, took a paper and scribbled down my woes. Sometimes they would be letters which I would write to God while at other times I’d be producing personal journals. It turned out that when I looked back the day after and read my musings, they were way better than what I’d have written had I not been miserable. And quite funnily, I would treasure those writings in a well-hidden precious box to re-read them again and again. (I still haven’t let go of this habit.) All just to tell you that you should be driven by your emotions when you blog. Do it for fun otherwise it will end up being a fiasco.

2. Create meaningful content.

 

This one is pretty straightforward. While facebook might give you the carte blanche for posting things like, “I’m feeling excited to wear coconut leaves on top of the mountain”, the blogosphere will simply regard you as someone as thick as two short planks. When you blog, you have to articulate your thoughts and feelings lucidly. The 5W-1H is your best friend. Explain your sentiments. According to the National Center for Biotechnology Information at the US National Library of Medicine, the average attention span of a human being has plummeted from 12 seconds in 2000 to 8 seconds in 2013, which is one second less than the attention span of a goldfish. Scary! So, always serve your audience with educative, inspiring and humorous blogs that will keep them hooked till the last sentence.

3. Focus on quality.

You know, good grammar is like personal hygiene-you can ignore it if you want, but don’t be surprised when people draw out their conclusions.

Guys, I’m not asking you to deliver in a ridiculously fake RP English either. The “Golly gosh! It has been yonks since one has last conversed with you, I must say. How d’you do?” is a no-no. You’ll be making a fool out of yourself. Cut the crap. It’s a bit much. You only have to master the rudimentary rules of grammar, punctuation marks and vocabulary. I advise you to avoid the “Haay wutt r yew doin?!” lest a random blogger replies, “about to throw a dictionary at your face”.

4. Be original.


The blogosphere is bursting at the seams with a considerable number of bloggers and the only way to set yourself apart is by confidently using your own voice. Let your personality dazzle through your words. Do not plagiarize, for plagiarism is the mark of the lowest of the lows.

“When you have wit of your own, it’s a pleasure to credit other people for theirs.” -Criss Jami 

When you quote something as I have done above, use quotation marks, provide a citation within the text and make sure to link the citation of the quoted material to the reference. By doing that, you will be scoring credibility points. Not to mention, you will sound like a professional.

5. Presentation

Without further ado, let’s get down to the next vital factor which is presentation. We might preach about not judging a book by its cover and bla-bla-bla but who turns heads in the street?

She does.

Quite similarly, the appearance of your blog matters a lot. Your blog post could contain the most groundbreaking content but if it doesn’t seem inviting, attractive and easy to navigate, you’re less likely to earn social shares or natural backlinks. Use colours, bullet points, photos and gifs, inter alia, as your props.

6. Encourage community.

You have to realise that there is no Sophia behind the screen on the other side of the world. There is a real walking, talking, living human who is probably going through the same struggles as you are. Successful bloggers respect other fellows in the blogosphere. They respond to comments left by their readers, they read, ‘like’ and ‘re-blog’ others’ posts. They are the ones who make friends all along and support them by showing blog-love. You have to be generous and considerate.

7. Consistency

 

The most-watched TV shows with the highest ratings are those that are broadcast consistently. In the same manner, maintaining consistency and frequency in your publishing schedule is a critical component of your success as a blogger. The more frequently you update your site with fresh content, the more chances you have to strengthen your SEO and be indexed higher by search engines. Readers will also notice your pattern, guesstimate your next blog and flock to your site at that particular time. It works wonders in the long-run.

In a nutshell, no successful blogger slid in on a shrimp sandwich. They worked hard, devoted ample time, resources and energy before they were recognized. Take it easy. Be patient. It’s not gonna happen overnight but with the proper techniques and efforts, you’ll get there, too.

DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?

 DO YOU WANT TO ADD MORE TO THE LIST? 

HIT THEM IN THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW! I’M ALL EARS!

Letter to my future daughter

Dear Alexandria,

As you reach your tender sixteen, there are a couple of things I would like to share with you. I want to start by telling you, my beloved daughter, that I love you endlessly. I fell in love with you when I heard your heartbeat for the first time. I fell in love with you when you clutched to my bosom in the middle of the night. I fell in love with the way you smile, with how you smell, wih every single piece of you because you are a part of me. You have to know that, to me, you are far more precious than the Kohinoor diamond. Alex, you are a blessing in my life and I’m forever grateful to God for proffering me the good fortune to be your mother. 

Darling, you are not born with a silver spoon in your mouth. You are born with a sword in your hand. You are neither the hopeless princess of a disneyland nor the delicate sleeping beauty of a fairytale. No! You are not any of those. You are a warrior. A true warrior. You do not need someone to save your bacon because inside you lies all the might to guard yourself and others as well from the demons. You are that much admirably invincible, my goddess. You’re growing up to be a beautiful woman tomorrow. Seek not, my child, to be the evanescent beauty that pleases nothing but the eyes. I’d rather you seek to be the sempiternal beauty that pleases everything but the eyes. Oh dear! What fools these mortals be who acquiesce to society’s decree. Fair or ebony, tall or knee high to a gnat, it matters not; for beauty transcends the conventional to alight on a face- as fresh as the morning dew, to alight on lips- words they enounce soft and gentle and to alight in a heart- generous and tolerant. This is the unvarnished definition of beauty, love. 

Being your mother, honey, I bestowed upon you this thing called ‘life’. Yet, you have to feel alive. And for you to feel alive, you should forge your own identity. You have been put on The Promised Land with a divine purpose. It is your cardinal mission to honour and give meaning to your life by discovering the reason for your existence. Once you uncover your ikigai, stick to it like a moth to the flame. Earn your livelihood around what spurs you to get out of bed at 5 a.m. You enjoy photography? Be a photographer. You enjoy cooking? Be a chef. I’d be proud if you choose to get your hands dirty just to keep your passion burning. Pour your heart into what you do, and I promise you will wear the crown in your chosen field one day. Do not get too comfortable settling. It’s like being trapped in a dark, scary room where you are screaming at the top of your lungs with no one to hear you. You don’t want that, do you? So, embrace challenges. Be on the go. Try. Rise. Fall. A thousand times over. Experience life-both with its lemons; and colourful spices and flavours. Flatline is for the dead. 

Alex, you are bathing in the fountain of youth. You are just about to explore the different facets of your sexuality. Your sacred feminine spirit is calling on you to wear that little black dress, to do that gorgeous make-up or to dream of a charming prince on a white horse. However, there will also be moments of skepticism and disdain when you will feel like the ugliest creature on Earth, especially after watching The Oscars. It’s perfectly normal. Through it all, I want you to act responsibly with your body. You owe it to yourself. Your first kiss with your boyfriend might make you want to believe in French romance and the happily-ever-after kind of love. Why shouldn’t you anyway? But I want you to believe in second love, too. The kind of love that feels like hushed waves washing over a dry shore-yeah, it does exist. I’m not gonna ask you to look at the world through rose-tinted glasses. It’s also a cruel place here, my child. A pig-ignorant society will judge you. There will be men who will drool over your body. You must absolutely learn to say ‘no’ without apology. It is not your responsibility to smother the lingering lewd thoughts men have around your physical features or material attire. You are not accountable to me, let alone to your next-door neighbour, or your uncles and aunts. You are accountable to your conscience. Just do good no matter what and stay true to who you are.

 A rich life is what you deserve, Alexandria. Travel to places you’ve never been before. Learn a new language. Read books. Laugh out loud. Do the bungee jump. Dance under the moonlight. Be goofy. Love fiercely. Eat your greens. Lift heavy. Rock your heels. You have but one life to make the most out of it. Baby, you are a powerhouse of intellect, courage and joy. You are a million stars under a sky. Sprinkle your angelic shine everywhere you go. Carpe diem! 

I got your back!

Your loving,

Mama

Forewarning Signs That You Have An Over-possessive And An Insecure Psycho As Your Boyfriend

N.B. The article has been written assuming the male is the over-possessive one. However, it can be either way. 

Alright guys! Know that feel of getting super excited about walking in a zoo where you encounter a myriad of wild and uncivilised creatures? Well that’s exactly how it feels when you enter the vast dating world, the sole difference being that in the latter case, the excitement lasts just for one hundredth of a nanosecond. Yeah! Joking aside, I’ve very recently come out of a toxic, long distance relationship with an edgy, mentally deranged, over-possessive boyfriend. It was a highly unpleasant experience. By sharing the traumatic ordeal with you on this platform, I want you to grow, to learn and most importantly to discern. I try to build others up because I know what it’s like to be torn down. 

Now, let’s get back to the main issue-What is over-possessiveness and why is it venomous in a couple? By definition, to ‘possess’ is to own, to control, to dominate. You can possess, thereby claim your right to ownership over a car, a house or a book. But you can’t possess an individual to keep her with you. Unlike an inanimate material object, a person is to be loved, valued, honoured and cherished in her own kingdom. Being over-possessive towards someone is therefore easily seen as a manifestation of one’s inherent weaknesses, limitations, insecurities, needs and fears. If you are in a relationship with an insecure person, most of your energy will be spent in constantly proving your sentiments to him. No matter how much you try to convince him of his awesomeness or to heal him with patience and compassion, all your efforts will go down the drain if that person doesn’t face his demons himself. Below are the forewarning signs that your boyfriend is over-possessive and why you, as a strong woman, need to take the exit door as soon as possible. 

1. Every male is a potential threat to him.

-You go to the gym for workouts.

Translates to: You are kinkily sitting on your fitness instructor’s lap while he is demonstrating to you how to execute a proper bench press.

-You visit your dentist for a dental check-up.

Translates to: You are opening your mouth wide and giving him a blowjob inside the room.

-You strike a business deal with a partner.

Translates to: The businessman agreed to do business with you because you are sleeping with him. 

-A family member genuinely compliments you.

Translates to: He is flirting with you. 

Gross thinking! I know, right? But I’m telling you. An over-possessive person’s mind is always filled with such perverted suppositions and you’ll gradually begin to wonder if he is not actually the one involved in all those cheap deeds behind your back?!

2. He deprecatingly downplays your strengths, achievements and abilities.

The end goal of the persons involved in a healthy romantic relationship should be to inspire each other intellectually, emotionally, physically and spiritually. The relationship functions as one team. For all that, a goosey boyfriend who unfortunately ain’t got the brains God gave a squirrel will view your freedom, confidence and power to hold your own in the relationship a menace to his bloated ego. He will find ways to bring you down for being an independent badass without his help. Instead of motivating you and feeling proud of you, he will attempt to convince you that you are nothing without him. You scare his little pussy (insecure men have a pussy, don’t you laugh) because you are whole all by yourself. Now, can you imagine, my boyfriend has never ever complimented me for my looks or anything like that? 99% of the time I’m  the one to initiate intimacy and Mr Insecure is either busy or not in the mood? The reality of truth is different. He is jealous, hence shying away from positive reinforcement.

3. He stalks you everywhere.

An acquaintance has ‘liked’ your picture on facebook? Great! World War 3 starts. You were last seen online on WhatsApp 16 minutes ago and accidentally missed replying to his message? You’re dead! You didn’t send him a good morning text the moment you woke up? Ah, then forget about having a proper conversation with him for the rest of the day. The psycho will inscrutably have an eye on each of your moves on social media and in real life.

He destroys your right to privacy and to your ‘me time’. He makes you feel untrustworthy by doubting your loyalty. If you encourage this demented behaviour by validating your faithfulness whenever he takes the odious liberty to point a finger at you, you’ll eventually reach a point where you have to ask for his permission before going for a piss. You’ll be engulfed with suffocation. 

4. He creates drama in the relationship.

An over-possessive boyfriend is generally a selfish, demanding, inconsiderate brat who believes himself to be the absolute centre of the universe. He will go to any length to receive your undivided attention. He is more likely to engage in drama and wants you to partake in his horseshit that drains you of happiness, tranquility and bliss. He thinks that he is spicing up the relationship by bringing in tears, tension, suspense and stress. 

But listen carefully girl! You can’t control his comportment. You don’t even want that burden. But you can refuse to play the second fiddle in his story. You have standards-they step up or they step out. Life is short. Peace of mind is a priority. Fuck him. Sometimes it takes balls to be a woman. 

5. He tricks you into accepting that he is the ultra ‘beau idéal’.

He has a successful career, a nice house, a dick and is an excellent bathroom singer. So what? Does this give him the right to bully you and to make you feel worthless? Hello Mr, there are approximately 3, 571, 374, 099 males in the world, who are a million times more capable than you, willing to give away everything to be at your coveted place. Okay? Suck up this self-aggrandizing demeanor. A strong woman is with you out of choice, never out of need. An over-possessive person, because he sees you as his property, takes you for granted. Little does he realise that only a fool would gamble with something so rare and precious as a good woman’s love. Just because he is too self-absorbed and a control freak who cannot value you doesn’t mean that you are not valuable. A masterpiece does not stop being a masterpiece because the lights are off and the doors are closed. 

6. He plays the victim to get his way. 

My boyfriend had no qualms of conscience at all to apologize when he wronged me. Words like ‘Please’, ‘Sorry’ and ‘Thank You’ are alien to him because he is always right. As a matter of fact, mature masculinity is not abusive, domineering or grandiose but generative, creative and empowering. A real man is vulnerable without shame. He has learnt how to swallow his pride. He has learnt how to forgive. An over-possessive lunatic exhibits narcissistic traits with an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Filled with envy and arrogance, he will exploit you emotionally to get things done as he so desires. In a narcissist’s mind, they can never be the bad guy. They can never faulter. They can never sin. They are the most honourable saints to have trodden the planet.


7. He resorts to extreme measures to ‘punish’ you.

“When you love something, you don’t threaten it. You don’t punish it. You fight for it. You take care of it. You put it first.”-Leslie Knope

By default, an insecure person is always afraid that you are going to leave him for someone better. Therefore, he tends to keep you on your toes. The last thing he wants is for you to feel safe and secure in the relationship. It gives him pleasure to be above you in every way and when you feel insecure, it makes him secure in turn. The silent treatment, anger, aggressive talking and frequent threats of break-ups are some of the dangerous tools that he uses to keep you in his grip. 

On a concluding note, an unsurpassable classic masterpiece unto itself, The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran is wisdom spoken. 

MARRIAGE, pg 9

“Then Alrnita spoke again and said, And what of Marriage, master?
And he answerd saying:

You were born together, and together you shall be for evermore.

You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness.

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

Please like, comment, reblog and share if it’s worth it! Thank you!




Merry Christmas & Happy New Year 2017!

Warm greetings to my most cherished fellow friends out there! Yeah, I know it’s been a while but quite understandably, we are in the gleeful period of December and as most of you, I’m teeming with things to fix..to polish off..to start..This is my last piece of writing for 2016 and I thought there could be no better way to wind-up the year than to indite a personal post. It’s gonna be fun, isn’t it?

Now enough about me, let’s get back to you. How’s the Yuletide season treating you? What have you guys been upto lately? Please share your thrilling adventures with all of us. Don’t forget! A joy shared is a joy doubled. On my side, the past fortnight was hectic. It’s still comparable to a Piccadilly Circus at my place. Some major renovation works are in progress and to be frank, if I got a dollar for every little donkey work that I’m performing, I’d already be a billionaire. This is the time of the year when it seems like you can’t go anywhere in your house without somebody recognizing you and giving you some household chores to do. Geez! Can you relate, also? Yet, I can’t continue to grouch because December is a special month for oh so many reasons. There’s a unique kind of feel in the atmosphere. December brings with it an ebullient joie de vivre, paralleled by a relaxed conviviality of togetherness among family and friends. Even Mother Nature cannot resist its impish charms; as we marvel at the delightful blossom of the flamboyant trees all around the island. It rains interesting festivals, pleasurable activities, delectable food and whatnot. Speaking candidly, I wish December came twelve times a year!

Besides revelling in the splendour of the jaunty merrymaking, I’ve been doing some introspective cogitation about my life, particularly mulling over my New Year’s resolutions and plans. Okay! I must confess-I don’t always stick to these and I know I’m not alone. Then why bother? Well, New Year’s resolutions are all about hopefulness and it’s been that way since forever. Personally, I make resolutions as a ritual to welcome the upcoming year on a positive note. Experts contend that if you publicly share your resolutions, you are letting others be aware of your goals and once you’ve involved others, you are more likely to take steps to achieve them. A few of my general resolutions include: to travel abroad solo, to earn more, to start a new hobby such as gardening, to sustain my healthy habits and to meet new people. Last but not the least, I pledge to blog more frequently and more consistently. The blogosphere is an amazing world full of wonderful folk and I’m excited to associate with each and every one of you. (This is a bit unrealistic, but nevermind!) And what are your New Year’s resolutions?

Furthermore, I want to seize this fine opportunity to express my heartfelt thanks and sincere appreciation to you, 3 200 lovely individuals for continually encouraging and inspiring me in my creative endeavours. MERCI! I founded this blog in January and I’ve never looked back. I admit that I do not post very often but the unfailing love and generous support I have constantly received since the beginning is the reason I promise to be more active next year. I’ve come across a lot of incredible humans who enjoy the same passion as I do, who are working relentlessly to make this planet a better place to live in and who are impressive stars in their own right. Here, I’d take a moment to give a shout-out to Aquileana, Doctor Jonathan, Migueltio, Anne and Rich. Dear friends, you must have noticed-I’m neither into uploading ten posts per day and garnering one hundred likes per blog nor amassing thousands of followers. However, I’m very much into developing a meaningful relationship with you through my writing. I want to connect with you on a deeper level because you are worth a lot more than being just a random liker and a mere commentator. I value you as a person. I’m here to listen to you at your lowest, to laugh with you and to lift you up to your highest. This explains why you’ll find short blogs benignly deluged with lengthy comments. Haha! I feel blessed with your virtual friendship and I hope it only grows stronger through the years. I love you all to the moon and back! XOXO

Ho! Ho! Ho! Let me hasten to wish you happy holidays. May Santa Claus lavish you with humility and benevolence in your heart. May God bless you with kindness which will raise your soul and may He give you the courage to add up more shine and spread your brightest smiles to those you treasure. During this glorious season, please allow me to share how Jesus Christ would have His children observe his birth. Would it be marked by unrestrained consumerism and selfish acts of costly gift exchange? No! I quote Luke 14:12-14, “Then said he also to him that bade him, when thou makest a dinner or a supper, call not thy friends, nor thy brethren, neither thy kinsmen, nor thy rich neighbours; lest they also bid thee again, and a recompence be made thee. But when thou makest a feast, call the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind: And thou shalt be blessed; for they cannot recompense thee: for thou shalt be recompensed at the resurrection of the just”. Friends, let us pray for that one outcast orphan from the shantytown, let us pray for that one despondent parent who has lost his only child in a savage bloodshed and let us pray for that one abandoned grandmother left in a home, for Christmas to them, is just another hellish nightmare.

To end this post, I hope that you make the most of the beauty, spirit and magic of this fantastic season. The miles that keep us apart do not stop the love and happiness I send to you and to your family this Christmas. Joyeux Noël et Bonne Année 2017! Let us all raise our glasses to celebrate love and peace! Cheers!

Hugs and kisses,

Urvashi-The Little Mermaid

Effective guide to answering popular interview questions

DISCLAIMER

I) This post is a humorous article written solely to get you incredible people to bust a gut; and should in no way be taken seriously.

II) Most examples are in the context of recent graduates.

III) All, I repeat, ALL situations and examples are ficticious.

INTERVIEW…the next word that immediately pops up in your mind when I say INTERVIEW is STRESS. It does not matter whether it is for the post of a CEO for a multinational or for a waiter at a street corner restaurant. You will be nervous before a job interview. Why? Well, obviously because you badly want the job but you know some ravenous monster is awaiting to eat your brains with the most annoying questions that have ever gone down in the history of job interviews. By the way, have you noticed that sinister, almost I’m-gonna-screw-you grin on an interviewer’s face before the meeting? I swear it literally inspires my inner serial killer. If you too have been victimized by a string of dumb questions in a formal setting at least once in your life, welcome to the club!

Anyway, let’s check out their lousy questions which warrant even lousier answers.

N.B.

EA means expected answer (what the interviewer wants to hear).

HA means honest answer (what you would reply, if you had the balls).

1) Tell me about yourself.

EA- Be like Trump. Blow your own trumpet by talking about your education, previous work experience and proven success.


HA- I’m The Little Mermaid, a born winner. I started out as the sperm which won the race. I worked very hard to get to where I am in life today- an unemployed university graduate. I’m currently trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie but there are just too many holes in the plot.

2) Why do you want this job? 

EA- Demonstrate how your skills match, show your enthusiasm for the job and explain how you fit into the culture.

HA- Firstly, I want the job to earn money to pay for my living expenses because I have always been so passionate about not starving to death. Secondly, I’ve heard your company has a vacancy and coincidentally, I am jobless. So, luck just happened to kiss me. Lastly, I was considering the marvellous idea of harvesting organs from homeless people to make ends meet. Unfortunately, it is illegal.

*Sweet Jesus, please grant me the power to deal with this bullshit for as long as eternity takes.


3) What special skill do you have?

EA- Reveal your strengths related to the job.

HA- I can twerk. Just kidding. That’s my sense of humour. You’ll get used to it. 

Actually I’ve hacked your system and shortlisted myself for the interview. Now, can you imagine the damage I can do to your organisation by working for your rivalling competitor? I’m also great at multi-tasking. I can waste my time, be unproductive and day-dream all at once. Moreover, I have amazing ability to meet tight deadlines after an interminable procrastination session. These are a few of the many bankable fortes that I possess.

4) What is your greatest weakness? 

EA- The trick is to turn a negative flaw into a positive.

HA- I worry too much. But I’m working on it. Next time something goes wrong, I’ll try blaming someone else for it. For instance, suppose I don’t get this job, it’d be all due to the crappy questions that you need to shove up to your arse.

5) What are your communication skills? 

EA- List your oral and written communication aptitude.

HA- If you’ll pardon my french, my language proficiency includes: bitter sarcasm, pugnacious insults and inappropriate sexual satire.

*How did I end up here in this Tophet?

6) What are your hobbies?

EA- Talk only about the intellectual constructive hobbies that you are engaged in. And remember. Masturbation does not count.

HA- My pastimes are lying on the bed switching between the same three apps on my mobile phone for hours, listening to the same songs I’ve been listening to since 20 years, clicking hundreds of bathroom selfies per day and imagining myself in situations that will never exist in real life. I’m a very interesting person, aren’t I?

7) Where do you see yourself in five years? 

EA- Show ambition, commitment and goal-orientedness, even if your sense of direction at the moment is like a headless chicken.

HA- I’m so glad you asked. Please allow me to bore you for several minutes with a lump of overly-optimistic nonsense about my future. I’ll either be happily sitting at your place, just asking better questions or win a Noble Prize for getting Black Rhinos to hump more. Either way, I plan to take over the world and my future is as bright as a pair of albino buttocks bathed in sunlight.

8) What is your idea of teamwork?

EA- Display your ability to work collaboratively and motivate others in the group as well.

HA- I was rather searching for a job where I’m politely ignored and left to my own devices with unlimited internet access, doughnuts and coffee. However, I understand the importance of teamwork, especially if you are bone idle. It allows a moocher to get favourable commendation from his or her boss for a job others slogged away every cell of their body at completing. Basically, teamwork is great.


9) Tell me about your professional experience.

EA- Highlight your past accomplishment and knowledge at previous jobs. Convey your excitement to transfer your skills to the post you have applied for.

HA- From the job advertisement, I gather that you are looking for someone aged 22-25 with thirty years of work experience. If you don’t mind me asking Sir, are you looking for a time traveller? This sounds really innovative on your part. Let me congratulate you. Now, to answer your question, frankly I do not have any job experience. Still, I have more degrees than a thermometer. I’m sure it would make up for the lack of hands-on involvement.

10) What are your salary expectations? 

EA- The interviewer wants to know the minimum salary you will accept and see if you are aware of your value in the labour market.

HA- I want a job that would appreciate my exceptional talent. So, I expect to be paid above the median salary of your average employee. I think Rs 40 000 is reasonable to start with. As I prove my remarkable intelligence at work, you can add up to any amount of zeros, in your good judgement, as my increment.

11) What makes you think that you are the best candidate for this job and why should we hire you? 

EA- Evince your passion for the job and praise the company profusely.

HA- Arrogance. End of story.

Phew! A job interview indeed puts everyone, the strongest and most sensible ones alike through the wringer. It’s not too bad, albeit I believe that the questions and answers that have been parroted for decades could be restructured in a more unconventional manner. There’s no royal road to securing a nice job in today’s increasingly competitive world; but if you are worth your salt, success is a sure thing. To those having upcoming interviews- Break a leg! Knock ’em dead!

21st Century Golden Etiquettes For House Guests

DISCLAIMER

1) This is a general post utterly not calculated to offend anybody; but if the shoe fits, well then lace that bitch up.

2) It is absolutely not aimed at elders for whom our love is rather unconditional.

3) The post has been written in the context of guests staying over for more than 2-3 days and from the point of view of hosts.

Nowadays, the significance of etiquettes for being a thoughtful houseguest is diametrically overlooked. Being a decorous houseguest is, in a nutshell, all about focusing on how to enjoy yourself while being as helpful and unobtrusive as possible. Always remember that hospitality is a gift and therefore you must show a sense of gratitude towards your hosts. If you behave properly, you might even find yourself with the next invitation already up on your way as you are about to leave. Below are some tips that I have tried to outline if you want to be labelled the good, gracious houseguest.

  • 1st Rule: Communicate your plan 

Tell when you’ll be arriving, when you’re leaving and what plans, if any, you might have. This lets hosts organise their own schedules accordingly. Just because you are on a vacation does not mean everyone else is. On a side note, Marianne Moore asserted that, “superior people never make long visits”. Oh well, let’s take that with a pinch of salt maybe?

  • 2nd Rule: Follow house rules

I know I may say ‘make yourself at home’ but I don’t really mean it. So, always ask me where things are and how things work. And please be considerate of the noise you make. Don’t be a prick. Keep your hosts away from your ceaseless jibber-jabber. I am sure you do not want them to remember an ad rem quote from Oscar Wilde, “A bore is someone who deprives you of solitude without providing you company.” Respect dinner time and sleep time; even if you find yourself staring up at a dark ceiling because you’re normally a night owl.

Another thing which breaches my level of tolerance is when guests feel free to offer their leftover food to house pets – be it a dog, a cat or a hippo for that matter. For crying out loud, this is an animal – not a vacuum cleaner to suck up any garbage. It has its own eating pattern (probably better than yours).

Do not forget that a toilet, spelt T-O-I-L-E-T, is a place meant for shitting and not to watch stupid videos or even to contemplate over your miserable life inside for an effing whole one hour. Geez! What do you think? Others will go piss and poop in the open backyard whilst you are too busy basking in the glory of your imagination? Moron! And please, for fuck sake, do not leave your antique pieces of lingerie in the bathroom, even by mistake. Believe you me! No one bothers to admire them twopenny craps.

  • 3rd Rule: Use, do not abuse

I have two types of shampoo in my shower, one very expensive in a tiny bottle and then a big bottle of cheap generic shampoo. Please use the latter. I love you and want you to have the most glorious hair but, this ain’t a hair salon. Be polite and don’t just assume the fancy shit is for you.

I totally understand you might not have brought along your cream, body lotion or any of those stuffs. It’s alright. Here’s mine. But do you know how much it hurts when I see you sprinkling a fuckton of my Givenchy perfume all over your clothes and applying copious dabs of my Biotherm moisturizer everyday on your potato face? Hello, these products cost me an arm and a leg. Kindly have the decency to use them moderately, unless you are replacing those, of course.

Now comes the famous free-rider problem concerning utilities. Psst, you are not staying in a presidential suite of a 7-star hotel where you can unabashedly indulge in all the amenities (civilised people don’t do that even in a hotel though). That said, please have the decorum to ask the adults, and not the children for their WIFI password. And, sorry to disappoint you but I do not celebrate Diwali everyday. So, if you wouldn’t mind, move your fat arse and turn off the lights when you are not using them, would you?

  • 4th Rule: Help around

To put it bluntly, I’m not your mommy. I’m your peer. Just because you are at mine does not mean I need to become your care-giver. You are big enough, well physically at least, to keep your things neatly concentrated in one place. Make your bed. I’d be happier if you share in some minor chores. Plus this is also a means for us to spend some nice quality time together which is the whole point of your visit, no? You want to have fried calamari with romesco as appetizer, lamb koftas, zesty couscous and mixed vegetables salad as your main, and mud pie with ice-cream for dessert tonight? Simply press that button and hey presto! You automatically have this feast to devour in front of you. Quite easy, nah? Jackass! Lend me a helping hand, for God’s sake.

  • 5th Rule: Do not be cheapy

You do not need to be an Economics or Finance guru to understand that today we live in an expensive world. Volunteer to pay for a meal sometimes. Chances are I won’t let you but the gesture will be enormously appreciated. Offer a small prezzie or at the very least, say a grateful ‘thank you’ when you go.

  • 6th Rule: Ban technology

“I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots.” – Albert Einstein. Isn’t this downright accurate? Well, kudos Albert! We’ve reached this very epoch. Actually, I am a little confused as to why you would come at my place to stay and socialise with me, but proceed to stare into the screen of your phone every ten minutes. Anti-social much? Please, as tempting as it might be, do not be too focused on instagramming, facebooking, vining or snapchatting every single activity you are doing, hashtagged #familytime or #whatever #bullshit. It breaks the real human face-to-face connection. And do I need to say that it is plain rude? You do that? Take your baggage and off my planet, zombie!

  • 7th rule: Do not judge

Some visitors deserve an Olympic Gold Medal for ‘jumping to conclusions’ when they come at your place. They really need to remove that stick from their butts which compels them to be either demanding, finicky or judgemental. “Why did you do this? Why did you do that? No, this is not how it’s supposed to be done…and bla bla bla”. To tell you the truth my dear, I like your approach. Now let’s see your departure. Waster!

To sum it up, what is acceptable and appropriate varies from family to family but the basic concept seems to hold true in every household. Guest etiquette is definitely not a holier-than-thou rulebook that exists to make people feel bad or unwanted. On the contrary, these codes of conduct are simple tools and tips to make you feel more welcomed, loved and comfortable. Trust me, as long as you genuinely care, you’d do just fine as an ideal guest!

(Image borrowed from Google)