Effective guide to answering popular interview questions

DISCLAIMER

I) This post is a humorous article written solely to get you incredible people to bust a gut; and should in no way be taken seriously.

II) Most examples are in the context of recent graduates.

III) All, I repeat, ALL situations and examples are ficticious.

INTERVIEW…the next word that immediately pops up in your mind when I say INTERVIEW is STRESS. It does not matter whether it is for the post of a CEO for a multinational or for a waiter at a street corner restaurant. You will be nervous before a job interview. Why? Well, obviously because you badly want the job but you know some ravenous monster is awaiting to eat your brains with the most annoying questions that have ever gone down in the history of job interviews. By the way, have you noticed that sinister, almost I’m-gonna-screw-you grin on an interviewer’s face before the meeting? I swear it literally inspires my inner serial killer. If you too have been victimized by a string of dumb questions in a formal setting at least once in your life, welcome to the club!

Anyway, let’s check out their lousy questions which warrant even lousier answers.

N.B.

EA means expected answer (what the interviewer wants to hear).

HA means honest answer (what you would reply, if you had the balls).

1) Tell me about yourself.

EA- Be like Trump. Blow your own trumpet by talking about your education, previous work experience and proven success.


HA- I’m The Little Mermaid, a born winner. I started out as the sperm which won the race. I worked very hard to get to where I am in life today- an unemployed university graduate. I’m currently trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie but there are just too many holes in the plot.

2) Why do you want this job? 

EA- Demonstrate how your skills match, show your enthusiasm for the job and explain how you fit into the culture.

HA- Firstly, I want the job to earn money to pay for my living expenses because I have always been so passionate about not starving to death. Secondly, I’ve heard your company has a vacancy and coincidentally, I am jobless. So, luck just happened to kiss me. Lastly, I was considering the marvellous idea of harvesting organs from homeless people to make ends meet. Unfortunately, it is illegal.

*Sweet Jesus, please grant me the power to deal with this bullshit for as long as eternity takes.


3) What special skill do you have?

EA- Reveal your strengths related to the job.

HA- I can twerk. Just kidding. That’s my sense of humour. You’ll get used to it. 

Actually I’ve hacked your system and shortlisted myself for the interview. Now, can you imagine the damage I can do to your organisation by working for your rivalling competitor? I’m also great at multi-tasking. I can waste my time, be unproductive and day-dream all at once. Moreover, I have amazing ability to meet tight deadlines after an interminable procrastination session. These are a few of the many bankable fortes that I possess.

4) What is your greatest weakness? 

EA- The trick is to turn a negative flaw into a positive.

HA- I worry too much. But I’m working on it. Next time something goes wrong, I’ll try blaming someone else for it. For instance, suppose I don’t get this job, it’d be all due to the crappy questions that you need to shove up to your arse.

5) What are your communication skills? 

EA- List your oral and written communication aptitude.

HA- If you’ll pardon my french, my language proficiency includes: bitter sarcasm, pugnacious insults and inappropriate sexual satire.

*How did I end up here in this Tophet?

6) What are your hobbies?

EA- Talk only about the intellectual constructive hobbies that you are engaged in. And remember. Masturbation does not count.

HA- My pastimes are lying on the bed switching between the same three apps on my mobile phone for hours, listening to the same songs I’ve been listening to since 20 years, clicking hundreds of bathroom selfies per day and imagining myself in situations that will never exist in real life. I’m a very interesting person, aren’t I?

7) Where do you see yourself in five years? 

EA- Show ambition, commitment and goal-orientedness, even if your sense of direction at the moment is like a headless chicken.

HA- I’m so glad you asked. Please allow me to bore you for several minutes with a lump of overly-optimistic nonsense about my future. I’ll either be happily sitting at your place, just asking better questions or win a Noble Prize for getting Black Rhinos to hump more. Either way, I plan to take over the world and my future is as bright as a pair of albino buttocks bathed in sunlight.

8) What is your idea of teamwork?

EA- Display your ability to work collaboratively and motivate others in the group as well.

HA- I was rather searching for a job where I’m politely ignored and left to my own devices with unlimited internet access, doughnuts and coffee. However, I understand the importance of teamwork, especially if you are bone idle. It allows a moocher to get favourable commendation from his or her boss for a job others slogged away every cell of their body at completing. Basically, teamwork is great.


9) Tell me about your professional experience.

EA- Highlight your past accomplishment and knowledge at previous jobs. Convey your excitement to transfer your skills to the post you have applied for.

HA- From the job advertisement, I gather that you are looking for someone aged 22-25 with thirty years of work experience. If you don’t mind me asking Sir, are you looking for a time traveller? This sounds really innovative on your part. Let me congratulate you. Now, to answer your question, frankly I do not have any job experience. Still, I have more degrees than a thermometer. I’m sure it would make up for the lack of hands-on involvement.

10) What are your salary expectations? 

EA- The interviewer wants to know the minimum salary you will accept and see if you are aware of your value in the labour market.

HA- I want a job that would appreciate my exceptional talent. So, I expect to be paid above the median salary of your average employee. I think Rs 40 000 is reasonable to start with. As I prove my remarkable intelligence at work, you can add up to any amount of zeros, in your good judgement, as my increment.

11) What makes you think that you are the best candidate for this job and why should we hire you? 

EA- Evince your passion for the job and praise the company profusely.

HA- Arrogance. End of story.

Phew! A job interview indeed puts everyone, the strongest and most sensible ones alike through the wringer. It’s not too bad, albeit I believe that the questions and answers that have been parroted for decades could be restructured in a more unconventional manner. There’s no royal road to securing a nice job in today’s increasingly competitive world; but if you are worth your salt, success is a sure thing. To those having upcoming interviews- Break a leg! Knock ’em dead!

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Spirituality

It’s 2016. I have decided that I’m gonna start to speak my mind unapologetically by writing my absurdly wild thoughts within quotation marks and tag them as ‘The Little Mermaid’ to make them sound more credible so that people believe every shit that I rave about. Let’s just do it sassy and a wee bit smart-assy.

“If people actually made love to the mind and soul with the same flaming passion as they made to the physical body, we would have long had an illuminated generation of spiritually, morally and intellectually elevated species.” 

-The Little Mermaid, MMXVI

Stay Humane

“Feed a hungry mouth. Clothe a miserable body. Educate a poor being. Reach out to a depressed soul. Rescue an animal. Help as much as you can. Touch as many hearts as you go. Selflessly. Without expectations. The one and only approach for a human to live with stalwart dignity is by staying humane.”

-The Little Mermaid, MMXVI

Unconditional Love

“The only way you can love another person unconditionally, intensely and genuinely is by walking down the enlightened path of realization, convinced that you merit that kind of unselfish love yourself; and you augustly shower it upon your own soul first before you serve it from the sacred chalice of your heart to others.”

-The Little Mermaid, MMXVI

GUERLAIN LINGERIE DE PEAU BB BEAUTY BOOSTER (01 LIGHT) REVIEW

Hi lovelies, I’ll attempt to provide you with a pithy review of the Guerlain Lingerie De Peau BB Beauty Booster cream in 01 light shade which I picked up a few days ago. Today, with the myriad of products explosing on the market and with the thousands of critiques flooding the internet, laying your hands on the perfect BB cream is no safe bet. So, I will try my best to come clean with my rating here because I don’t want you to be in sackcloth and ashes after your purchase. See, how much I love you?

Now, let’s get started…

Product description on the official website of Guerlain

Guerlain creates the 1st Lingerie de Peau Beauty Booster cream for the illusion of a perfectly nude complexion.

As light as a summer negligee, it promises a perfect complexion thanks to the combination of five actions: hydration, protection, radiance, correction and an even skin tone.

Intangible and secret, Lingerie de Peau BB becomes one with the skin to make it more beautiful than ever. Its secrets: the Bio-Fusion micro-mesh, an unprecedented combination of smoothing and shaping stretch fibres and natural linen and silk fibres in complete affinity with the skin.

Imperceptible and subtly tinted, it blends in like a second skin to reveal the natural perfection of your complexion.

The skin tone becomes invisible, like clinging lingerie.

The Lingerie de Peau Beauty Booster cream comes in a 40 ml tube. SPF 30-PA +++

Plus Points

First of all, it looks too sexy. Don’t we all love stuffs that are pleasing to the eyes? Well, the cream is packaged in a sleek beige tube with a pump dispenser that doles out the ideal amount required for a full face application with just two shots. You can thus be sure there will be no product wastage. It is also very easy to use, travel-friendly, hygienic and classy.

It contains SPF 30 PA+++ which filters out approximately 97% of the UVB rays we are exposed to. Since we, girls, cannot get out of the house without our sunscreen, the Guerlain BB cream does a decent work shielding us from the harmful radiations.

Another thing that I absolutely fancy about this beauty balm is its texture. It weaves an imperceptible veil of sublimity onto the skin, giving it a perfect silken finish which gets gorgeously dewy after a few hours. It also stays on the skin for an incredibly long period during the day.

The Guerlain BB Beauty Booster creates a flawless complexion by instantly covering scars and blemishes. You can chuck away your primer, eye concealer and toner because this cream does all the wonders. And truly, who has got the time to put on distinct products on the face when one has to rush to go to work in the morning?

Its signature scent is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G -a naughty blend of freshness and luxury, making your skin feel rich and oh-so-pampered.

Negative Points

The Guerlain Lingerie de Peau BB Beauty Booster provides excessive coverage. It neither allows the skin to breathe nor does it give it a natural look. Even if you take all the precautions of the world to apply the littlest amount of the cream on your face, the end result is always cakey. Dear Guerlain, why d’you over-egg the pudding?

Moreover, it comes in only three shades-01 Light, 02 Medium and 03 Beige Naturel. The first one suits my skin tone but many of you might be disappointed at the limited choice.

“The idea of a well-formulated BB cream is that it’s the only product you’ll need after you wash your face”, says Ni’kita Wilson, a cosmetic chemist at Englewood Lab in New Jersey. Guerlain claims that their BB cream moisturizes. However, I somehow still find the need to apply a moisturiser before the latter.

And what’s the damage? Ah, it costs big bikkies. The BB cream may have all the bells and whistles but it is not worth the fortune, in the end. There are so many cheaper alternatives that do a better job, like the Garnier BB cream and the L’Oreal Magic Skin Beautifier, to name a few which I have tried in the past.

If I had to appraise the Guerlain Lingerie de Peau BB Beauty Booster cream, I’d probably give it a 3 out of 5 stars. I don’t really recommend you to buy it unless you’re rolling in money and are in it just for the brand!

Ingenuity

“Raw ingenuity is very often misconstrued as madness by the crowd. Take no shit. Carry on.”

-The Little Mermaid, MMXVI