Effective guide to answering popular interview questions

DISCLAIMER

I) This post is a humorous article written solely to get you incredible people to bust a gut; and should in no way be taken seriously.

II) Most examples are in the context of recent graduates.

III) All, I repeat, ALL situations and examples are ficticious.

INTERVIEW…the next word that immediately pops up in your mind when I say INTERVIEW is STRESS. It does not matter whether it is for the post of a CEO for a multinational or for a waiter at a street corner restaurant. You will be nervous before a job interview. Why? Well, obviously because you badly want the job but you know some ravenous monster is awaiting to eat your brains with the most annoying questions that have ever gone down in the history of job interviews. By the way, have you noticed that sinister, almost I’m-gonna-screw-you grin on an interviewer’s face before the meeting? I swear it literally inspires my inner serial killer. If you too have been victimized by a string of dumb questions in a formal setting at least once in your life, welcome to the club!

Anyway, let’s check out their lousy questions which warrant even lousier answers.

N.B.

EA means expected answer (what the interviewer wants to hear).

HA means honest answer (what you would reply, if you had the balls).

1) Tell me about yourself.

EA- Be like Trump. Blow your own trumpet by talking about your education, previous work experience and proven success.


HA- I’m The Little Mermaid, a born winner. I started out as the sperm which won the race. I worked very hard to get to where I am in life today- an unemployed university graduate. I’m currently trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie but there are just too many holes in the plot.

2) Why do you want this job? 

EA- Demonstrate how your skills match, show your enthusiasm for the job and explain how you fit into the culture.

HA- Firstly, I want the job to earn money to pay for my living expenses because I have always been so passionate about not starving to death. Secondly, I’ve heard your company has a vacancy and coincidentally, I am jobless. So, luck just happened to kiss me. Lastly, I was considering the marvellous idea of harvesting organs from homeless people to make ends meet. Unfortunately, it is illegal.

*Sweet Jesus, please grant me the power to deal with this bullshit for as long as eternity takes.


3) What special skill do you have?

EA- Reveal your strengths related to the job.

HA- I can twerk. Just kidding. That’s my sense of humour. You’ll get used to it. 

Actually I’ve hacked your system and shortlisted myself for the interview. Now, can you imagine the damage I can do to your organisation by working for your rivalling competitor? I’m also great at multi-tasking. I can waste my time, be unproductive and day-dream all at once. Moreover, I have amazing ability to meet tight deadlines after an interminable procrastination session. These are a few of the many bankable fortes that I possess.

4) What is your greatest weakness? 

EA- The trick is to turn a negative flaw into a positive.

HA- I worry too much. But I’m working on it. Next time something goes wrong, I’ll try blaming someone else for it. For instance, suppose I don’t get this job, it’d be all due to the crappy questions that you need to shove up to your arse.

5) What are your communication skills? 

EA- List your oral and written communication aptitude.

HA- If you’ll pardon my french, my language proficiency includes: bitter sarcasm, pugnacious insults and inappropriate sexual satire.

*How did I end up here in this Tophet?

6) What are your hobbies?

EA- Talk only about the intellectual constructive hobbies that you are engaged in. And remember. Masturbation does not count.

HA- My pastimes are lying on the bed switching between the same three apps on my mobile phone for hours, listening to the same songs I’ve been listening to since 20 years, clicking hundreds of bathroom selfies per day and imagining myself in situations that will never exist in real life. I’m a very interesting person, aren’t I?

7) Where do you see yourself in five years? 

EA- Show ambition, commitment and goal-orientedness, even if your sense of direction at the moment is like a headless chicken.

HA- I’m so glad you asked. Please allow me to bore you for several minutes with a lump of overly-optimistic nonsense about my future. I’ll either be happily sitting at your place, just asking better questions or win a Noble Prize for getting Black Rhinos to hump more. Either way, I plan to take over the world and my future is as bright as a pair of albino buttocks bathed in sunlight.

8) What is your idea of teamwork?

EA- Display your ability to work collaboratively and motivate others in the group as well.

HA- I was rather searching for a job where I’m politely ignored and left to my own devices with unlimited internet access, doughnuts and coffee. However, I understand the importance of teamwork, especially if you are bone idle. It allows a moocher to get favourable commendation from his or her boss for a job others slogged away every cell of their body at completing. Basically, teamwork is great.


9) Tell me about your professional experience.

EA- Highlight your past accomplishment and knowledge at previous jobs. Convey your excitement to transfer your skills to the post you have applied for.

HA- From the job advertisement, I gather that you are looking for someone aged 22-25 with thirty years of work experience. If you don’t mind me asking Sir, are you looking for a time traveller? This sounds really innovative on your part. Let me congratulate you. Now, to answer your question, frankly I do not have any job experience. Still, I have more degrees than a thermometer. I’m sure it would make up for the lack of hands-on involvement.

10) What are your salary expectations? 

EA- The interviewer wants to know the minimum salary you will accept and see if you are aware of your value in the labour market.

HA- I want a job that would appreciate my exceptional talent. So, I expect to be paid above the median salary of your average employee. I think Rs 40 000 is reasonable to start with. As I prove my remarkable intelligence at work, you can add up to any amount of zeros, in your good judgement, as my increment.

11) What makes you think that you are the best candidate for this job and why should we hire you? 

EA- Evince your passion for the job and praise the company profusely.

HA- Arrogance. End of story.

Phew! A job interview indeed puts everyone, the strongest and most sensible ones alike through the wringer. It’s not too bad, albeit I believe that the questions and answers that have been parroted for decades could be restructured in a more unconventional manner. There’s no royal road to securing a nice job in today’s increasingly competitive world; but if you are worth your salt, success is a sure thing. To those having upcoming interviews- Break a leg! Knock ’em dead!

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GUERLAIN LINGERIE DE PEAU BB BEAUTY BOOSTER (01 LIGHT) REVIEW

Hi lovelies, I’ll attempt to provide you with a pithy review of the Guerlain Lingerie De Peau BB Beauty Booster cream in 01 light shade which I picked up a few days ago. Today, with the myriad of products explosing on the market and with the thousands of critiques flooding the internet, laying your hands on the perfect BB cream is no safe bet. So, I will try my best to come clean with my rating here because I don’t want you to be in sackcloth and ashes after your purchase. See, how much I love you?

Now, let’s get started…

Product description on the official website of Guerlain

Guerlain creates the 1st Lingerie de Peau Beauty Booster cream for the illusion of a perfectly nude complexion.

As light as a summer negligee, it promises a perfect complexion thanks to the combination of five actions: hydration, protection, radiance, correction and an even skin tone.

Intangible and secret, Lingerie de Peau BB becomes one with the skin to make it more beautiful than ever. Its secrets: the Bio-Fusion micro-mesh, an unprecedented combination of smoothing and shaping stretch fibres and natural linen and silk fibres in complete affinity with the skin.

Imperceptible and subtly tinted, it blends in like a second skin to reveal the natural perfection of your complexion.

The skin tone becomes invisible, like clinging lingerie.

The Lingerie de Peau Beauty Booster cream comes in a 40 ml tube. SPF 30-PA +++

Plus Points

First of all, it looks too sexy. Don’t we all love stuffs that are pleasing to the eyes? Well, the cream is packaged in a sleek beige tube with a pump dispenser that doles out the ideal amount required for a full face application with just two shots. You can thus be sure there will be no product wastage. It is also very easy to use, travel-friendly, hygienic and classy.

It contains SPF 30 PA+++ which filters out approximately 97% of the UVB rays we are exposed to. Since we, girls, cannot get out of the house without our sunscreen, the Guerlain BB cream does a decent work shielding us from the harmful radiations.

Another thing that I absolutely fancy about this beauty balm is its texture. It weaves an imperceptible veil of sublimity onto the skin, giving it a perfect silken finish which gets gorgeously dewy after a few hours. It also stays on the skin for an incredibly long period during the day.

The Guerlain BB Beauty Booster creates a flawless complexion by instantly covering scars and blemishes. You can chuck away your primer, eye concealer and toner because this cream does all the wonders. And truly, who has got the time to put on distinct products on the face when one has to rush to go to work in the morning?

Its signature scent is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G -a naughty blend of freshness and luxury, making your skin feel rich and oh-so-pampered.

Negative Points

The Guerlain Lingerie de Peau BB Beauty Booster provides excessive coverage. It neither allows the skin to breathe nor does it give it a natural look. Even if you take all the precautions of the world to apply the littlest amount of the cream on your face, the end result is always cakey. Dear Guerlain, why d’you over-egg the pudding?

Moreover, it comes in only three shades-01 Light, 02 Medium and 03 Beige Naturel. The first one suits my skin tone but many of you might be disappointed at the limited choice.

“The idea of a well-formulated BB cream is that it’s the only product you’ll need after you wash your face”, says Ni’kita Wilson, a cosmetic chemist at Englewood Lab in New Jersey. Guerlain claims that their BB cream moisturizes. However, I somehow still find the need to apply a moisturiser before the latter.

And what’s the damage? Ah, it costs big bikkies. The BB cream may have all the bells and whistles but it is not worth the fortune, in the end. There are so many cheaper alternatives that do a better job, like the Garnier BB cream and the L’Oreal Magic Skin Beautifier, to name a few which I have tried in the past.

If I had to appraise the Guerlain Lingerie de Peau BB Beauty Booster cream, I’d probably give it a 3 out of 5 stars. I don’t really recommend you to buy it unless you’re rolling in money and are in it just for the brand!

21st Century Golden Etiquettes For House Guests

DISCLAIMER

1) This is a general post utterly not calculated to offend anybody; but if the shoe fits, well then lace that bitch up.

2) It is absolutely not aimed at elders for whom our love is rather unconditional.

3) The post has been written in the context of guests staying over for more than 2-3 days and from the point of view of hosts.

Nowadays, the significance of etiquettes for being a thoughtful houseguest is diametrically overlooked. Being a decorous houseguest is, in a nutshell, all about focusing on how to enjoy yourself while being as helpful and unobtrusive as possible. Always remember that hospitality is a gift and therefore you must show a sense of gratitude towards your hosts. If you behave properly, you might even find yourself with the next invitation already up on your way as you are about to leave. Below are some tips that I have tried to outline if you want to be labelled the good, gracious houseguest.

  • 1st Rule: Communicate your plan 

Tell when you’ll be arriving, when you’re leaving and what plans, if any, you might have. This lets hosts organise their own schedules accordingly. Just because you are on a vacation does not mean everyone else is. On a side note, Marianne Moore asserted that, “superior people never make long visits”. Oh well, let’s take that with a pinch of salt maybe?

  • 2nd Rule: Follow house rules

I know I may say ‘make yourself at home’ but I don’t really mean it. So, always ask me where things are and how things work. And please be considerate of the noise you make. Don’t be a prick. Keep your hosts away from your ceaseless jibber-jabber. I am sure you do not want them to remember an ad rem quote from Oscar Wilde, “A bore is someone who deprives you of solitude without providing you company.” Respect dinner time and sleep time; even if you find yourself staring up at a dark ceiling because you’re normally a night owl.

Another thing which breaches my level of tolerance is when guests feel free to offer their leftover food to house pets – be it a dog, a cat or a hippo for that matter. For crying out loud, this is an animal – not a vacuum cleaner to suck up any garbage. It has its own eating pattern (probably better than yours).

Do not forget that a toilet, spelt T-O-I-L-E-T, is a place meant for shitting and not to watch stupid videos or even to contemplate over your miserable life inside for an effing whole one hour. Geez! What do you think? Others will go piss and poop in the open backyard whilst you are too busy basking in the glory of your imagination? Moron! And please, for fuck sake, do not leave your antique pieces of lingerie in the bathroom, even by mistake. Believe you me! No one bothers to admire them twopenny craps.

  • 3rd Rule: Use, do not abuse

I have two types of shampoo in my shower, one very expensive in a tiny bottle and then a big bottle of cheap generic shampoo. Please use the latter. I love you and want you to have the most glorious hair but, this ain’t a hair salon. Be polite and don’t just assume the fancy shit is for you.

I totally understand you might not have brought along your cream, body lotion or any of those stuffs. It’s alright. Here’s mine. But do you know how much it hurts when I see you sprinkling a fuckton of my Givenchy perfume all over your clothes and applying copious dabs of my Biotherm moisturizer everyday on your potato face? Hello, these products cost me an arm and a leg. Kindly have the decency to use them moderately, unless you are replacing those, of course.

Now comes the famous free-rider problem concerning utilities. Psst, you are not staying in a presidential suite of a 7-star hotel where you can unabashedly indulge in all the amenities (civilised people don’t do that even in a hotel though). That said, please have the decorum to ask the adults, and not the children for their WIFI password. And, sorry to disappoint you but I do not celebrate Diwali everyday. So, if you wouldn’t mind, move your fat arse and turn off the lights when you are not using them, would you?

  • 4th Rule: Help around

To put it bluntly, I’m not your mommy. I’m your peer. Just because you are at mine does not mean I need to become your care-giver. You are big enough, well physically at least, to keep your things neatly concentrated in one place. Make your bed. I’d be happier if you share in some minor chores. Plus this is also a means for us to spend some nice quality time together which is the whole point of your visit, no? You want to have fried calamari with romesco as appetizer, lamb koftas, zesty couscous and mixed vegetables salad as your main, and mud pie with ice-cream for dessert tonight? Simply press that button and hey presto! You automatically have this feast to devour in front of you. Quite easy, nah? Jackass! Lend me a helping hand, for God’s sake.

  • 5th Rule: Do not be cheapy

You do not need to be an Economics or Finance guru to understand that today we live in an expensive world. Volunteer to pay for a meal sometimes. Chances are I won’t let you but the gesture will be enormously appreciated. Offer a small prezzie or at the very least, say a grateful ‘thank you’ when you go.

  • 6th Rule: Ban technology

“I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots.” – Albert Einstein. Isn’t this downright accurate? Well, kudos Albert! We’ve reached this very epoch. Actually, I am a little confused as to why you would come at my place to stay and socialise with me, but proceed to stare into the screen of your phone every ten minutes. Anti-social much? Please, as tempting as it might be, do not be too focused on instagramming, facebooking, vining or snapchatting every single activity you are doing, hashtagged #familytime or #whatever #bullshit. It breaks the real human face-to-face connection. And do I need to say that it is plain rude? You do that? Take your baggage and off my planet, zombie!

  • 7th rule: Do not judge

Some visitors deserve an Olympic Gold Medal for ‘jumping to conclusions’ when they come at your place. They really need to remove that stick from their butts which compels them to be either demanding, finicky or judgemental. “Why did you do this? Why did you do that? No, this is not how it’s supposed to be done…and bla bla bla”. To tell you the truth my dear, I like your approach. Now let’s see your departure. Waster!

To sum it up, what is acceptable and appropriate varies from family to family but the basic concept seems to hold true in every household. Guest etiquette is definitely not a holier-than-thou rulebook that exists to make people feel bad or unwanted. On the contrary, these codes of conduct are simple tools and tips to make you feel more welcomed, loved and comfortable. Trust me, as long as you genuinely care, you’d do just fine as an ideal guest!

(Image borrowed from Google)

The Perks Of Dating Much Older Men

When it comes to dating, the rotten rule that has been around for generations states that it is socially acceptable for a person to be romantically involved with someone who’s age is at least half your age plus seven. However, there are people, SANE people, who deviate from the norm and date someone much younger or older than them; which, in my humble opinion, is totally fine as long as both individuals connect. 

In my post, I’m going to write on the advantages a young woman has when she dates an older man, say +15 years her senior. While you must be cudgelling your brains about what has triggered me to blog on this, let me confess beforehand that as a young woman myself, I find older men enormously attractive. They are a whole package! And the fascinating thing with them is that they equate me on many levels – those enlightening tête-à-tête and whatnot. Hard to believe? In that case, read on…

1) Ideal if you want/don’t want children

If at present you feel mentally and physically prepared for a baby, you might choose to marry an older person who is evidently in a better position to cater for the needs of the little one than a young boy who might have other priorities.

Considering from a different standpoint, if you’ve decided that kids are not in the cards, you may have a pretty tough time persuading a younger partner to accept this idea. On the other hand, an older partner who has either already been married and begotten children or has had enough time to cogitate on fatherhood and therefore knows with certitude he doesn’t want to aggravate the global problem of human overpopulation, may be the ideal match for you.

2) Older is sexier…sometimes

When a man takes care of himself, he can actually look better with age and still be in the pink of health. Yes..much like fine wine that gets better with age. Old men somehow seem to effortlessly ooze an air of confidence and charisma. Those few strands of silver hair are symbolic of years of wisdom and experience. Simply put, old men are no longer boys. They are men. Grown-up men. In all senses. Now this is a real turn-on!

3) More financial stability

In general, there’s a stigma that a younger woman dates an older man because he’s more powerful and can essentially take care of her. Heard of gold diggers? And while this may be true for some, a 2010 study by the University of Dundee in Scotland found that as women themselves become more financially independent, their taste may skew towards older (and better-looking) men. What does it mean? It means that as a woman becomes more confident in her own career and finances, she seeks a partner who matches that, which often is not a 25-year-old guy.

Moreover, from what I’ve gathered, a man in his 20s is more likely to blow his cash on frivolous things, while men starting from their late 30s and onwards are likely to save money for the future or for experiences, like a romantic vacation. This implies you can live the good life and afford luxuries without having to worry about going dutch. Does it get any better than this? (Wink)

4) Less likely to play games

An older partner has already sowed his wild oats and is in the market for a serious relationship he can assume with honesty and loyalty. At this stage of life, he is more interested in having a companion than in hooking up with several women in the bars and nightclubs. Older men start a liaison with a clean slate and do not dream about getting a bit on the side because they have seen it and done it all. 

5) You enjoy awesome sex

A mature man knows exactly what excites him and he takes mental notes of what pleases you in bed. Ladies, forget about those night classes you had to conduct on ‘sexology’. Since older men hold the key to opening the doors to the gates of paradise, love-making becomes a more passionate and liberating ritual, than with a young fella who might just be too consumed with his own satisfaction to even bother if you comed or not. Older men literally work for you to climax because they see it as a source of pride when they can cause big, badass orgasms that leave you weak and shaking.

6) You’re the younger one. Game over.

You know the joke about older men chasing younger women? Well, ahem, drag your partner with you and look into the mirror. The benefit of being younger than him is that, as vain as it sounds, it can be an incredible confidence booster. I know it’s shallow but it’s always nice to feel extra sexy, isn’t it? Plus it makes getting old as easy as puddin’ pie because in your circle, you’ll always be the ‘young one’.

7) You learn from your partner

When it boils down to dating older men, you 24/7 feel like you’re learning; whether it be new music, food or arts. You get to hear stories about another period in time which broadens your mind. Moreover, as your partner has a vast amount of knowledge and sagacity under his belt, debates with him become more challenging, discussions more enriching and chitchats seem deeper than the ocean. 

Besides, he’s totally supportive of your ambitions and prolly full of good advice. You must be a dunce to trade all of those for a middle-of-the-road “I need to focus on my career right now, darling”.

8) Someone has already ‘fixed him up’

His past relationships didn’t work out. And now, you can reap the benefits of nice shoes on the racks, toilet seat put down and hand towel in the bathroom. 

On top of that, you can be sure that time doesn’t slow him and that he is going to be this rad forever. In 20 years, he will still be alive and kicking and keeping up with your young ass.

9) He appreciates you

An older man, de facto, might date a younger woman because he wants to maintain his youth. You keep him feeling inspired, which in turn, makes you feel deeply desired. You wake up too late? Cool. You don’t know cooking? No problem. He is a more caring, patient and a romantic lover. In short, you’re everything he wants. He’ll worship you. Period.

10) You live in the moment

Today, young people forget to relish the present moment in the pursuit of future goals and aspirations. Conversely, an older man makes you cherish the beauty of the now and value the significance of living it fully. 

So, as I have pointed out above, dating or even marrying an older man is a worthy experience. Without discounting the fact that women in general, mature faster than men, chances are, you might end up sharing your life with your twin flame, which seldom happens in real life with normal couples. Therefore, do not let society dictate your heart’s calling. And a free bit of advice to some judgemental prudes who might ostensibly conclude you have daddy issues- If you don’t want to get a fat lip, I would suggest you not to butt in where you do not belong. Live and let live. OK? 

P.S. Constructive comments on real life situations, examples or any kind of advice and opinion pertaining to this post are most welcome. 

International Women’s Day

Hello gorgeous bloggers, 

Today is International Women’s Day and I would like to seize this opportunity to shed some light on a few pressing issues surrounding women. To begin with, what is a ‘woman’? How do we define a ‘woman’? The dictionary would eruditely explain us that a woman is a female human being. Oh, did I hear it right? Yes. A human being. Not a piece of flesh. If truth be told, a woman is worth more than a slice of ham and two lumps of fat on her chest. And I’m sorry to say that she is not a baby-producing machine either. She is a human being. She has a mind of her own. She has desires. She has aspirations and goals. She wants to be accepted-not because of her big eyes or large hips, but because of her thoughts, her energy and her abilities. Everyone, in developed countries and developing ones alike, is talking about women’s empowerment, women’s emancipation and gender equality. They are beautiful words that sound good to the ears. I don’t deny it. Indeed, they look good on paper as well; and I swear it will fetch you a couple of marks if you mention them somewhere in exams. But do we actually walk the talk? Are our women really liberated at home? Do they enjoy equal rights at their workplace? For all the optimistic person that I am, I don’t think so. 

Women are still shamed and criticized in this 21st century. They are still perceived to be the weaker sex in society. Their potential is still oppressed by bogus traditions and spurious beliefs. They are still seen as sexual objects. You don’t believe it? Let me give you a couple of eye-opening examples. Just flip through a fashion magazine, turn on the television or listen to the lyrics of popular songs and unfortunately, you will quickly find a common theme: the sexualisation of women. In advertisements, the exposure of women’s bodies occurs about four times as often compared to men’s bodies. The term “sex sells” has begun to cross the boundaries to where we are witnessing sex influence on every product that we are purchasing from alcohol, beauty supplies, groceries to even banking services. Have you ever wondered what correlation, if any, there is between a banking product and a woman’s body? Does that make sense to you? For me, it does not. 

Wait. It does not end here. In many parts of the world, women are traded most commonly for the purpose of sexual slavery and forced labour. As disgusting as it seems, in many Islamic States, captured women are sold in slave markets and at auctions. Are women just a dime’s worth? Not to mention, at work, they rarely escape from the dirty, lustful gaze of their superiors who trick those poor souls into sleeping with them for promotions and career advancement options. Everywhere, practically everywhere, women’s bodies are designated as property that can be evaluated, looked at and touched at the impulse of men’s desire. On top of that, if current trend continues, almost 16 million girls worldwide between the ages 6 and 11 will never get access to primary school education compared to just about 8 million boys. And don’t even get me started on the pay difference that exists. Why? Isn’t it high time this sickening, unjustifiable merry-go-round stop? 

Do you know what makes a woman feel unshackled? Do you wish to participate in women’s salvation? 

Then…

Give her. For once give her.
Give her a platform and watch how she dances off her feet. 
Give her wings and see how she soars higher for the sky offbeat.
Give her a pen and marvel at how she travels in time.
Give her a voice and see how she tolerates no crime.

Judge her. By all means judge her. 
Judge her by her courage
not by the depth of her cleavage.
Judge her by her morals unhurt
not by the length of her skirt.
Judge her from within
not by the colour of her skin.

Let her be. 
Let her be free expressing her emotions, needs and wants.
Let her be free choosing her path, away from religious dogmas and society’s taunts.
Let her live her life in a manner she hopes for.
Let her breathe even if she is a whore.

And! She is sexy. Yes! I’m telling you!           
She is sexy in the way she stands on her own feet independently.   
She is sexy in the way she brings up her child single-handedly.
She is sexy in the way she carries herself with dignity.
She is sexy in the way she sticks to her principles composedly.
Doesn’t this make her one hell of a sexy woman?

Please ladies, you have an identity. You do not need someone else to validate your existence. Do not let yourself be looked down. Forget the rules. You, as a single woman, are worth the entire world’s fortune. No one is rich enough to buy you. No one is strong enough to abuse you. No one is lily-white enough to slam you. Women’s empowerment starts with you. It is when you empower yourself, when you embrace yourself-with all your flaws, your valour, your beauty and your femininity. 

Happy International Women’s Day 2016!