Effective guide to answering popular interview questions

DISCLAIMER

I) This post is a humorous article written solely to get you incredible people to bust a gut; and should in no way be taken seriously.

II) Most examples are in the context of recent graduates.

III) All, I repeat, ALL situations and examples are ficticious.

INTERVIEW…the next word that immediately pops up in your mind when I say INTERVIEW is STRESS. It does not matter whether it is for the post of a CEO for a multinational or for a waiter at a street corner restaurant. You will be nervous before a job interview. Why? Well, obviously because you badly want the job but you know some ravenous monster is awaiting to eat your brains with the most annoying questions that have ever gone down in the history of job interviews. By the way, have you noticed that sinister, almost I’m-gonna-screw-you grin on an interviewer’s face before the meeting? I swear it literally inspires my inner serial killer. If you too have been victimized by a string of dumb questions in a formal setting at least once in your life, welcome to the club!

Anyway, let’s check out their lousy questions which warrant even lousier answers.

N.B.

EA means expected answer (what the interviewer wants to hear).

HA means honest answer (what you would reply, if you had the balls).

1) Tell me about yourself.

EA- Be like Trump. Blow your own trumpet by talking about your education, previous work experience and proven success.


HA- I’m The Little Mermaid, a born winner. I started out as the sperm which won the race. I worked very hard to get to where I am in life today- an unemployed university graduate. I’m currently trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie but there are just too many holes in the plot.

2) Why do you want this job? 

EA- Demonstrate how your skills match, show your enthusiasm for the job and explain how you fit into the culture.

HA- Firstly, I want the job to earn money to pay for my living expenses because I have always been so passionate about not starving to death. Secondly, I’ve heard your company has a vacancy and coincidentally, I am jobless. So, luck just happened to kiss me. Lastly, I was considering the marvellous idea of harvesting organs from homeless people to make ends meet. Unfortunately, it is illegal.

*Sweet Jesus, please grant me the power to deal with this bullshit for as long as eternity takes.


3) What special skill do you have?

EA- Reveal your strengths related to the job.

HA- I can twerk. Just kidding. That’s my sense of humour. You’ll get used to it. 

Actually I’ve hacked your system and shortlisted myself for the interview. Now, can you imagine the damage I can do to your organisation by working for your rivalling competitor? I’m also great at multi-tasking. I can waste my time, be unproductive and day-dream all at once. Moreover, I have amazing ability to meet tight deadlines after an interminable procrastination session. These are a few of the many bankable fortes that I possess.

4) What is your greatest weakness? 

EA- The trick is to turn a negative flaw into a positive.

HA- I worry too much. But I’m working on it. Next time something goes wrong, I’ll try blaming someone else for it. For instance, suppose I don’t get this job, it’d be all due to the crappy questions that you need to shove up to your arse.

5) What are your communication skills? 

EA- List your oral and written communication aptitude.

HA- If you’ll pardon my french, my language proficiency includes: bitter sarcasm, pugnacious insults and inappropriate sexual satire.

*How did I end up here in this Tophet?

6) What are your hobbies?

EA- Talk only about the intellectual constructive hobbies that you are engaged in. And remember. Masturbation does not count.

HA- My pastimes are lying on the bed switching between the same three apps on my mobile phone for hours, listening to the same songs I’ve been listening to since 20 years, clicking hundreds of bathroom selfies per day and imagining myself in situations that will never exist in real life. I’m a very interesting person, aren’t I?

7) Where do you see yourself in five years? 

EA- Show ambition, commitment and goal-orientedness, even if your sense of direction at the moment is like a headless chicken.

HA- I’m so glad you asked. Please allow me to bore you for several minutes with a lump of overly-optimistic nonsense about my future. I’ll either be happily sitting at your place, just asking better questions or win a Noble Prize for getting Black Rhinos to hump more. Either way, I plan to take over the world and my future is as bright as a pair of albino buttocks bathed in sunlight.

8) What is your idea of teamwork?

EA- Display your ability to work collaboratively and motivate others in the group as well.

HA- I was rather searching for a job where I’m politely ignored and left to my own devices with unlimited internet access, doughnuts and coffee. However, I understand the importance of teamwork, especially if you are bone idle. It allows a moocher to get favourable commendation from his or her boss for a job others slogged away every cell of their body at completing. Basically, teamwork is great.


9) Tell me about your professional experience.

EA- Highlight your past accomplishment and knowledge at previous jobs. Convey your excitement to transfer your skills to the post you have applied for.

HA- From the job advertisement, I gather that you are looking for someone aged 22-25 with thirty years of work experience. If you don’t mind me asking Sir, are you looking for a time traveller? This sounds really innovative on your part. Let me congratulate you. Now, to answer your question, frankly I do not have any job experience. Still, I have more degrees than a thermometer. I’m sure it would make up for the lack of hands-on involvement.

10) What are your salary expectations? 

EA- The interviewer wants to know the minimum salary you will accept and see if you are aware of your value in the labour market.

HA- I want a job that would appreciate my exceptional talent. So, I expect to be paid above the median salary of your average employee. I think Rs 40 000 is reasonable to start with. As I prove my remarkable intelligence at work, you can add up to any amount of zeros, in your good judgement, as my increment.

11) What makes you think that you are the best candidate for this job and why should we hire you? 

EA- Evince your passion for the job and praise the company profusely.

HA- Arrogance. End of story.

Phew! A job interview indeed puts everyone, the strongest and most sensible ones alike through the wringer. It’s not too bad, albeit I believe that the questions and answers that have been parroted for decades could be restructured in a more unconventional manner. There’s no royal road to securing a nice job in today’s increasingly competitive world; but if you are worth your salt, success is a sure thing. To those having upcoming interviews- Break a leg! Knock ’em dead!

Stay Humane

“Feed a hungry mouth. Clothe a miserable body. Educate a poor being. Reach out to a depressed soul. Rescue an animal. Help as much as you can. Touch as many hearts as you go. Selflessly. Without expectations. The one and only approach for a human to live with stalwart dignity is by staying humane.”

-The Little Mermaid, MMXVI

Ingenuity

“Raw ingenuity is very often misconstrued as madness by the crowd. Take no shit. Carry on.”

-The Little Mermaid, MMXVI

Thought For The Day

“You can buy designer clothing but not elegance. You can shop for pricey make-up but not for beauty. You can purchase an upmarket house but not a home. You can buy expensive education but not manners. You can be a person with deep pockets but with just a shallow existence.”

–The Little Mermaid, MMXVI

Friendship

“Choose your inner circle of friends wisely because stupidity is known to have an intractable contagion effect.”

-The Little Mermaid, MMXVI

Solitude

“There are two types of solitude-one that pulls you into darkness and another one that pushes you towards light. While the former drowns a person in the tangled inferno of harrowing isolation, bottomless depression and lugubrious despondency; the latter transforms him to a fireball of energy when he is fully connected to his own being, thereby allowing the individual to get a glimpse of quintessential empyrean.”

-The Little Mermaid, MMXVI

The Perks Of Dating Much Older Men

When it comes to dating, the rotten rule that has been around for generations states that it is socially acceptable for a person to be romantically involved with someone who’s age is at least half your age plus seven. However, there are people, SANE people, who deviate from the norm and date someone much younger or older than them; which, in my humble opinion, is totally fine as long as both individuals connect. 

In my post, I’m going to write on the advantages a young woman has when she dates an older man, say +15 years her senior. While you must be cudgelling your brains about what has triggered me to blog on this, let me confess beforehand that as a young woman myself, I find older men enormously attractive. They are a whole package! And the fascinating thing with them is that they equate me on many levels – those enlightening tête-à-tête and whatnot. Hard to believe? In that case, read on…

1) Ideal if you want/don’t want children

If at present you feel mentally and physically prepared for a baby, you might choose to marry an older person who is evidently in a better position to cater for the needs of the little one than a young boy who might have other priorities.

Considering from a different standpoint, if you’ve decided that kids are not in the cards, you may have a pretty tough time persuading a younger partner to accept this idea. On the other hand, an older partner who has either already been married and begotten children or has had enough time to cogitate on fatherhood and therefore knows with certitude he doesn’t want to aggravate the global problem of human overpopulation, may be the ideal match for you.

2) Older is sexier…sometimes

When a man takes care of himself, he can actually look better with age and still be in the pink of health. Yes..much like fine wine that gets better with age. Old men somehow seem to effortlessly ooze an air of confidence and charisma. Those few strands of silver hair are symbolic of years of wisdom and experience. Simply put, old men are no longer boys. They are men. Grown-up men. In all senses. Now this is a real turn-on!

3) More financial stability

In general, there’s a stigma that a younger woman dates an older man because he’s more powerful and can essentially take care of her. Heard of gold diggers? And while this may be true for some, a 2010 study by the University of Dundee in Scotland found that as women themselves become more financially independent, their taste may skew towards older (and better-looking) men. What does it mean? It means that as a woman becomes more confident in her own career and finances, she seeks a partner who matches that, which often is not a 25-year-old guy.

Moreover, from what I’ve gathered, a man in his 20s is more likely to blow his cash on frivolous things, while men starting from their late 30s and onwards are likely to save money for the future or for experiences, like a romantic vacation. This implies you can live the good life and afford luxuries without having to worry about going dutch. Does it get any better than this? (Wink)

4) Less likely to play games

An older partner has already sowed his wild oats and is in the market for a serious relationship he can assume with honesty and loyalty. At this stage of life, he is more interested in having a companion than in hooking up with several women in the bars and nightclubs. Older men start a liaison with a clean slate and do not dream about getting a bit on the side because they have seen it and done it all. 

5) You enjoy awesome sex

A mature man knows exactly what excites him and he takes mental notes of what pleases you in bed. Ladies, forget about those night classes you had to conduct on ‘sexology’. Since older men hold the key to opening the doors to the gates of paradise, love-making becomes a more passionate and liberating ritual, than with a young fella who might just be too consumed with his own satisfaction to even bother if you comed or not. Older men literally work for you to climax because they see it as a source of pride when they can cause big, badass orgasms that leave you weak and shaking.

6) You’re the younger one. Game over.

You know the joke about older men chasing younger women? Well, ahem, drag your partner with you and look into the mirror. The benefit of being younger than him is that, as vain as it sounds, it can be an incredible confidence booster. I know it’s shallow but it’s always nice to feel extra sexy, isn’t it? Plus it makes getting old as easy as puddin’ pie because in your circle, you’ll always be the ‘young one’.

7) You learn from your partner

When it boils down to dating older men, you 24/7 feel like you’re learning; whether it be new music, food or arts. You get to hear stories about another period in time which broadens your mind. Moreover, as your partner has a vast amount of knowledge and sagacity under his belt, debates with him become more challenging, discussions more enriching and chitchats seem deeper than the ocean. 

Besides, he’s totally supportive of your ambitions and prolly full of good advice. You must be a dunce to trade all of those for a middle-of-the-road “I need to focus on my career right now, darling”.

8) Someone has already ‘fixed him up’

His past relationships didn’t work out. And now, you can reap the benefits of nice shoes on the racks, toilet seat put down and hand towel in the bathroom. 

On top of that, you can be sure that time doesn’t slow him and that he is going to be this rad forever. In 20 years, he will still be alive and kicking and keeping up with your young ass.

9) He appreciates you

An older man, de facto, might date a younger woman because he wants to maintain his youth. You keep him feeling inspired, which in turn, makes you feel deeply desired. You wake up too late? Cool. You don’t know cooking? No problem. He is a more caring, patient and a romantic lover. In short, you’re everything he wants. He’ll worship you. Period.

10) You live in the moment

Today, young people forget to relish the present moment in the pursuit of future goals and aspirations. Conversely, an older man makes you cherish the beauty of the now and value the significance of living it fully. 

So, as I have pointed out above, dating or even marrying an older man is a worthy experience. Without discounting the fact that women in general, mature faster than men, chances are, you might end up sharing your life with your twin flame, which seldom happens in real life with normal couples. Therefore, do not let society dictate your heart’s calling. And a free bit of advice to some judgemental prudes who might ostensibly conclude you have daddy issues- If you don’t want to get a fat lip, I would suggest you not to butt in where you do not belong. Live and let live. OK? 

P.S. Constructive comments on real life situations, examples or any kind of advice and opinion pertaining to this post are most welcome.