Beware! Facebook Is Satan’s Tool! 

In this current age of an inordinately dangerous swell of anti-intellectualism and information warfare, Facebook is, in great measure, accountable for the demise of culture, stability and privacy in our lives. I’m not the least bit sorry to aver, esteemed tech mogul-Mr Mark Zukerberg, aka The Android, that your creation has brought about a widespread degradation of human values, of talents and of our ability to perceive logically. But why would you even give a monkey’s at all when you have built yourself and your future generations an empire of cosmic proportions? Admist the ongoing Facebook and Cambridge Analytica scandal, there could not be a more providential time for me to express the reasons for my surging hate when using this overrated social media platform.

1. For a start, those who use a fake name and a fake profile picture make my blood boil.

I understand that the Dad’s Princess, the Mumma’s Angel and the Queen Bella should either be suffering from a special kind of identity crisis or they must be living in the land of Narnia; but I wonder why they feel compelled to let the whole world know about that. Gauche, mousy idiots! And I swear that over my regrettably dragged-out eight years’ subscription to the site, I have also come across one profile of a teen girl named ‘Zoe’s Property’, nicknamed ‘Happily Taken’. Believe me! In these scenarios, even Amnesty International and the UN can do sweet fuck all for the rights of those desperate little hogs. Wait a minute-it doesn’t end here. People who have a face that only a mother could love are often seen uploading Brad Pitt’s or Selena Gomez’s photos as their profile pictures. Seriously, these are the most insecure retards ever who have no existence in my world. Argh! It never rains but it pours.

2. Those who post every single detail of their wretched lives have to be skinned alive.

Facebook should, in my humble opinion, be used to share significant milestones about your life or moments that touched you in a way or another with your close friends and relatives. A humdrum status as “Heading to the grocery store, gotta start laundry, change the diapers then prepare dinner” or something as “Feeling blessed to check in to the hospital to visit Uncle Jack during his last days” irk the shit out of me. And then, there are couples who write all over each other’s walls to express their mutual love and affection- EW STAAAPH IT! You are making the rest of us sick with your lovey dovey posts. The same goes for parents who are every other day posting about how proud and fortunate they feel to have a uniquely talented little Picasso of a son who very ingeniously, I must say, can make this:

To those facebookers who cannot resist the demonic temptation to post dry statuses: Lets’s play hide-and-seek. I’ll hide your lame status updates while you seek a life! Done?

3. Vaguebooking is a sin.

Vaguebooking is when you really want to divulge something but you hesitate to jump off that scary cliff, so you post it on facebook anyways because you PURPOSEFULLY write it in such a way that it would take an army of code-breakers, a psychic and the entire FBI to figure out what the hell you just said. Mary is “wondering if it’s all worth it in the end.” Charles writes: “Please forgive me. It hurts so bad.” Brainless attention-seeking bastards! What’s the meaning of this? I’m almost certain that even Dan Brown would not be able to decode those kind of cryptic messages in at least three sequels of his thrillers.

4. Extremists’ rants? Now, that’s going too far!

There are people who use Facebook to pass on unhealthy extremist ideas in a very bad taste- spanning from political, religious, feminist to vegan to their fellow friends. Please keep your personal attacks against Hillary to yourself. It’s alright if you are imbecile enough to believe your God is better than mine, but for Pete’s sake, do not sing the glory of His name on Facebook all day long.

5. The I-believe-everything-I-read posts? Ça fait chier!

Facebook is inundated with those bullshitier than bullshit ever-elusive chain letters along the lines of “Share this or you will die”, “Type AMEN and you will be kissed by the love of your life before midnight”, “Comment YES if you want to receive a pot of gold within the next three days” or “Like the post and you will save this child from cancer”. Seriously though, how devoid of common sense and intelligence do people have to be, to be sharing this crap?

Likewise, ‘nincompoop’ is too mild a word to describe people who share bogus breaking news from fake sites on the internet such as, umm ‘purplepigeon.com’ and then go about screaming bloody murder because they have genuinely believed whatever they have read to be true.

6. Those excessive in-your-face selfies are the gravest of all Facebook faux pas.

Before Facebook, I did not know there were so many places where people can take photos. Now my wall is full of people posting selfies taken from everywhere one can possibly imagine: selfie of them waking up, selfie of them brushing their teeth, selfie of them pouting in their Victoria’s Secret lingerie, selfie of them on the loo having a bout of severe morning diarrhoea, selfie of them having a bath, selfie of them having breakfast, selfie of them getting ready for work, selfie of them in their car, selfie of them driving at 120 km/h, selfie of them in the office parking, selfie of them with their colleagues during a formal meeting, selfie of them with their boss even as he threatens to fire them if they don’t stop taking selfies, selfie of them at their table, selfie of them underwater, selfie of them in an operation theatre having a C-section, selfie of them working out, selfie of them before and after sex just so we can catch that post-orgasmic glow on their face and so on. The list is basically limitless.

7. Receiving odd friend requests is sort of bizarre and irritating AF.

Okay listen! Are you the type of person to strike a conversation with random people you meet on the streets to ask them about how their day went, what they had for dinner last night or what are they most looking forward to for the rest of the day? Or are you someone who bangs on the door of just anybody to query if they are doing fine? No? Then why hell do you send friend requests to strangers on Facebook and ask them such infuriating questions?

Facebook is not a stupid popularity competition. You rather come across as a maniac creep. That’s it! It also ticks me off when I receive friend requests from:
– People I hate (I don’t care if you are a neighbour or a blood relative whatever).
– Hideous guys who want to woo me. (I know I have an itsy-bitsy of je ne sais quoi that is particularly charming but isn’t it weird for someone I don’t even know to have a crush on me and send me a request?)
– Colleagues who do not understand the fine line between a co-worker and a friend.

8. Facebook predominantly underpins the notion that dumbness is in vogue.


A sense of collective madness seems to have taken over Facebookers. So, a man posts about the need to save the Northern White Rhinos from extinction through IVF and stem cells gets at most two likes and one comment from his roommate saying, “Pal, you really need to get laid”. On the other hand, a woman posts “I bought an orange today” gets 124 likes with 72 comments within a span of a few minutes.

Thus, you’d be dreadfully mistaken if you thought that the number of likes and comments on Facebook is directly proportional to the level of intellect of an individual. In the majority of cases, the two are inversely correlated.

9. Oh, good grief! Enough with the silly game invites!

Folks, let me be clear. I haven’t the slightest desire to waste my time on Facebook playing games. If you do spend your time on it, fine. That’s your business. But please do not send me nasty game invitations to participate in Farmville, Zooville or Candy Crush Saga. If you are really desperate, I will happily suggest a place for you where you can stuff your stupid game. And it is not far from your mouth as only an idiot talking/thinking through that particular orifice can have the nerve to think that anyone else on this planet is sufficiently brain dead to play these puerile games. Okay?

To cut off short, Facebook is Satan’s tool which exploits the vulnerability in human psychology by ensnaring people in the dopamine loop. Instant likes and comments trigger the feel-good factor in the brain, thereby rendering its digital consumption addictive. Yet, the good news is that you hold the reins and you have the power to decide what you share, with whom you share and how much of your time you share on the social media platform. Therefore, use it in a productive way. Do not abuse; for if you do, your next selfie shall be in a mental asylum! You’ve been warned!

Double, double toil and trouble;
Diaries burn and posts bubble.
Selfie of a fenny snake,
On Facebook boil and bake;
Eye of cyclone and toe of baby,
Wool of grandma and tongue of lady,
Jacob’s tag and Mia’s poke,
Lizard’s leg and howlet’s stroke,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

Double, double toil and trouble;
Diaries burn and posts bubble.
Cool it with a friend’s comment,
Then the charm is firm and well-meant.

(Adapted from: William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act 4, Scene 1)

Copyrights © 2016 The Little Mermaid. All Rights Reserved

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Globalisation

“In an era of unprecedented global interconnectedness and ridiculous overexposure to technology, a private life is the hallmark of ultimate luxury.”

-The Little Mermaid, MMXVII

Effective guide to answering popular interview questions

DISCLAIMER

I) This post is a humorous article written solely to get you incredible people to bust a gut; and should in no way be taken seriously.

II) Most examples are in the context of recent graduates.

III) All, I repeat, ALL situations and examples are ficticious.

INTERVIEW…the next word that immediately pops up in your mind when I say INTERVIEW is STRESS. It does not matter whether it is for the post of a CEO for a multinational or for a waiter at a street corner restaurant. You will be nervous before a job interview. Why? Well, obviously because you badly want the job but you know some ravenous monster is awaiting to eat your brains with the most annoying questions that have ever gone down in the history of job interviews. By the way, have you noticed that sinister, almost I’m-gonna-screw-you grin on an interviewer’s face before the meeting? I swear it literally inspires my inner serial killer. If you too have been victimized by a string of dumb questions in a formal setting at least once in your life, welcome to the club!

Anyway, let’s check out their lousy questions which warrant even lousier answers.

N.B.

EA means expected answer (what the interviewer wants to hear).

HA means honest answer (what you would reply, if you had the balls).

1) Tell me about yourself.

EA- Be like Trump. Blow your own trumpet by talking about your education, previous work experience and proven success.


HA- I’m The Little Mermaid, a born winner. I started out as the sperm which won the race. I worked very hard to get to where I am in life today- an unemployed university graduate. I’m currently trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie but there are just too many holes in the plot.

2) Why do you want this job? 

EA- Demonstrate how your skills match, show your enthusiasm for the job and explain how you fit into the culture.

HA- Firstly, I want the job to earn money to pay for my living expenses because I have always been so passionate about not starving to death. Secondly, I’ve heard your company has a vacancy and coincidentally, I am jobless. So, luck just happened to kiss me. Lastly, I was considering the marvellous idea of harvesting organs from homeless people to make ends meet. Unfortunately, it is illegal.

*Sweet Jesus, please grant me the power to deal with this bullshit for as long as eternity takes.


3) What special skill do you have?

EA- Reveal your strengths related to the job.

HA- I can twerk. Just kidding. That’s my sense of humour. You’ll get used to it. 

Actually I’ve hacked your system and shortlisted myself for the interview. Now, can you imagine the damage I can do to your organisation by working for your rivalling competitor? I’m also great at multi-tasking. I can waste my time, be unproductive and day-dream all at once. Moreover, I have amazing ability to meet tight deadlines after an interminable procrastination session. These are a few of the many bankable fortes that I possess.

4) What is your greatest weakness? 

EA- The trick is to turn a negative flaw into a positive.

HA- I worry too much. But I’m working on it. Next time something goes wrong, I’ll try blaming someone else for it. For instance, suppose I don’t get this job, it’d be all due to the crappy questions that you need to shove up to your arse.

5) What are your communication skills? 

EA- List your oral and written communication aptitude.

HA- If you’ll pardon my french, my language proficiency includes: bitter sarcasm, pugnacious insults and inappropriate sexual satire.

*How did I end up here in this Tophet?

6) What are your hobbies?

EA- Talk only about the intellectual constructive hobbies that you are engaged in. And remember. Masturbation does not count.

HA- My pastimes are lying on the bed switching between the same three apps on my mobile phone for hours, listening to the same songs I’ve been listening to since 20 years, clicking hundreds of bathroom selfies per day and imagining myself in situations that will never exist in real life. I’m a very interesting person, aren’t I?

7) Where do you see yourself in five years? 

EA- Show ambition, commitment and goal-orientedness, even if your sense of direction at the moment is like a headless chicken.

HA- I’m so glad you asked. Please allow me to bore you for several minutes with a lump of overly-optimistic nonsense about my future. I’ll either be happily sitting at your place, just asking better questions or win a Noble Prize for getting Black Rhinos to hump more. Either way, I plan to take over the world and my future is as bright as a pair of albino buttocks bathed in sunlight.

8) What is your idea of teamwork?

EA- Display your ability to work collaboratively and motivate others in the group as well.

HA- I was rather searching for a job where I’m politely ignored and left to my own devices with unlimited internet access, doughnuts and coffee. However, I understand the importance of teamwork, especially if you are bone idle. It allows a moocher to get favourable commendation from his or her boss for a job others slogged away every cell of their body at completing. Basically, teamwork is great.


9) Tell me about your professional experience.

EA- Highlight your past accomplishment and knowledge at previous jobs. Convey your excitement to transfer your skills to the post you have applied for.

HA- From the job advertisement, I gather that you are looking for someone aged 22-25 with thirty years of work experience. If you don’t mind me asking Sir, are you looking for a time traveller? This sounds really innovative on your part. Let me congratulate you. Now, to answer your question, frankly I do not have any job experience. Still, I have more degrees than a thermometer. I’m sure it would make up for the lack of hands-on involvement.

10) What are your salary expectations? 

EA- The interviewer wants to know the minimum salary you will accept and see if you are aware of your value in the labour market.

HA- I want a job that would appreciate my exceptional talent. So, I expect to be paid above the median salary of your average employee. I think Rs 40 000 is reasonable to start with. As I prove my remarkable intelligence at work, you can add up to any amount of zeros, in your good judgement, as my increment.

11) What makes you think that you are the best candidate for this job and why should we hire you? 

EA- Evince your passion for the job and praise the company profusely.

HA- Arrogance. End of story.

Phew! A job interview indeed puts everyone, the strongest and most sensible ones alike through the wringer. It’s not too bad, albeit I believe that the questions and answers that have been parroted for decades could be restructured in a more unconventional manner. There’s no royal road to securing a nice job in today’s increasingly competitive world; but if you are worth your salt, success is a sure thing. To those having upcoming interviews- Break a leg! Knock ’em dead!

21st Century Golden Etiquettes For House Guests

DISCLAIMER

1) This is a general post utterly not calculated to offend anybody; but if the shoe fits, well then lace that bitch up.

2) It is absolutely not aimed at elders for whom our love is rather unconditional.

3) The post has been written in the context of guests staying over for more than 2-3 days and from the point of view of hosts.

Nowadays, the significance of etiquettes for being a thoughtful houseguest is diametrically overlooked. Being a decorous houseguest is, in a nutshell, all about focusing on how to enjoy yourself while being as helpful and unobtrusive as possible. Always remember that hospitality is a gift and therefore you must show a sense of gratitude towards your hosts. If you behave properly, you might even find yourself with the next invitation already up on your way as you are about to leave. Below are some tips that I have tried to outline if you want to be labelled the good, gracious houseguest.

  • 1st Rule: Communicate your plan 

Tell when you’ll be arriving, when you’re leaving and what plans, if any, you might have. This lets hosts organise their own schedules accordingly. Just because you are on a vacation does not mean everyone else is. On a side note, Marianne Moore asserted that, “superior people never make long visits”. Oh well, let’s take that with a pinch of salt maybe?

  • 2nd Rule: Follow house rules

I know I may say ‘make yourself at home’ but I don’t really mean it. So, always ask me where things are and how things work. And please be considerate of the noise you make. Don’t be a prick. Keep your hosts away from your ceaseless jibber-jabber. I am sure you do not want them to remember an ad rem quote from Oscar Wilde, “A bore is someone who deprives you of solitude without providing you company.” Respect dinner time and sleep time; even if you find yourself staring up at a dark ceiling because you’re normally a night owl.

Another thing which breaches my level of tolerance is when guests feel free to offer their leftover food to house pets – be it a dog, a cat or a hippo for that matter. For crying out loud, this is an animal – not a vacuum cleaner to suck up any garbage. It has its own eating pattern (probably better than yours).

Do not forget that a toilet, spelt T-O-I-L-E-T, is a place meant for shitting and not to watch stupid videos or even to contemplate over your miserable life inside for an effing whole one hour. Geez! What do you think? Others will go piss and poop in the open backyard whilst you are too busy basking in the glory of your imagination? Moron! And please, for fuck sake, do not leave your antique pieces of lingerie in the bathroom, even by mistake. Believe you me! No one bothers to admire them twopenny craps.

  • 3rd Rule: Use, do not abuse

I have two types of shampoo in my shower, one very expensive in a tiny bottle and then a big bottle of cheap generic shampoo. Please use the latter. I love you and want you to have the most glorious hair but, this ain’t a hair salon. Be polite and don’t just assume the fancy shit is for you.

I totally understand you might not have brought along your cream, body lotion or any of those stuffs. It’s alright. Here’s mine. But do you know how much it hurts when I see you sprinkling a fuckton of my Givenchy perfume all over your clothes and applying copious dabs of my Biotherm moisturizer everyday on your potato face? Hello, these products cost me an arm and a leg. Kindly have the decency to use them moderately, unless you are replacing those, of course.

Now comes the famous free-rider problem concerning utilities. Psst, you are not staying in a presidential suite of a 7-star hotel where you can unabashedly indulge in all the amenities (civilised people don’t do that even in a hotel though). That said, please have the decorum to ask the adults, and not the children for their WIFI password. And, sorry to disappoint you but I do not celebrate Diwali everyday. So, if you wouldn’t mind, move your fat arse and turn off the lights when you are not using them, would you?

  • 4th Rule: Help around

To put it bluntly, I’m not your mommy. I’m your peer. Just because you are at mine does not mean I need to become your care-giver. You are big enough, well physically at least, to keep your things neatly concentrated in one place. Make your bed. I’d be happier if you share in some minor chores. Plus this is also a means for us to spend some nice quality time together which is the whole point of your visit, no? You want to have fried calamari with romesco as appetizer, lamb koftas, zesty couscous and mixed vegetables salad as your main, and mud pie with ice-cream for dessert tonight? Simply press that button and hey presto! You automatically have this feast to devour in front of you. Quite easy, nah? Jackass! Lend me a helping hand, for God’s sake.

  • 5th Rule: Do not be cheapy

You do not need to be an Economics or Finance guru to understand that today we live in an expensive world. Volunteer to pay for a meal sometimes. Chances are I won’t let you but the gesture will be enormously appreciated. Offer a small prezzie or at the very least, say a grateful ‘thank you’ when you go.

  • 6th Rule: Ban technology

“I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots.” – Albert Einstein. Isn’t this downright accurate? Well, kudos Albert! We’ve reached this very epoch. Actually, I am a little confused as to why you would come at my place to stay and socialise with me, but proceed to stare into the screen of your phone every ten minutes. Anti-social much? Please, as tempting as it might be, do not be too focused on instagramming, facebooking, vining or snapchatting every single activity you are doing, hashtagged #familytime or #whatever #bullshit. It breaks the real human face-to-face connection. And do I need to say that it is plain rude? You do that? Take your baggage and off my planet, zombie!

  • 7th rule: Do not judge

Some visitors deserve an Olympic Gold Medal for ‘jumping to conclusions’ when they come at your place. They really need to remove that stick from their butts which compels them to be either demanding, finicky or judgemental. “Why did you do this? Why did you do that? No, this is not how it’s supposed to be done…and bla bla bla”. To tell you the truth my dear, I like your approach. Now let’s see your departure. Waster!

To sum it up, what is acceptable and appropriate varies from family to family but the basic concept seems to hold true in every household. Guest etiquette is definitely not a holier-than-thou rulebook that exists to make people feel bad or unwanted. On the contrary, these codes of conduct are simple tools and tips to make you feel more welcomed, loved and comfortable. Trust me, as long as you genuinely care, you’d do just fine as an ideal guest!

(Image borrowed from Google)

International Women’s Day

Hello gorgeous bloggers, 

Today is International Women’s Day and I would like to seize this opportunity to shed some light on a few pressing issues surrounding women. To begin with, what is a ‘woman’? How do we define a ‘woman’? The dictionary would eruditely explain us that a woman is a female human being. Oh, did I hear it right? Yes. A human being. Not a piece of flesh. If truth be told, a woman is worth more than a slice of ham and two lumps of fat on her chest. And I’m sorry to say that she is not a baby-producing machine either. She is a human being. She has a mind of her own. She has desires. She has aspirations and goals. She wants to be accepted-not because of her big eyes or large hips, but because of her thoughts, her energy and her abilities. Everyone, in developed countries and developing ones alike, is talking about women’s empowerment, women’s emancipation and gender equality. They are beautiful words that sound good to the ears. I don’t deny it. Indeed, they look good on paper as well; and I swear it will fetch you a couple of marks if you mention them somewhere in exams. But do we actually walk the talk? Are our women really liberated at home? Do they enjoy equal rights at their workplace? For all the optimistic person that I am, I don’t think so. 

Women are still shamed and criticized in this 21st century. They are still perceived to be the weaker sex in society. Their potential is still oppressed by bogus traditions and spurious beliefs. They are still seen as sexual objects. You don’t believe it? Let me give you a couple of eye-opening examples. Just flip through a fashion magazine, turn on the television or listen to the lyrics of popular songs and unfortunately, you will quickly find a common theme: the sexualisation of women. In advertisements, the exposure of women’s bodies occurs about four times as often compared to men’s bodies. The term “sex sells” has begun to cross the boundaries to where we are witnessing sex influence on every product that we are purchasing from alcohol, beauty supplies, groceries to even banking services. Have you ever wondered what correlation, if any, there is between a banking product and a woman’s body? Does that make sense to you? For me, it does not. 

Wait. It does not end here. In many parts of the world, women are traded most commonly for the purpose of sexual slavery and forced labour. As disgusting as it seems, in many Islamic States, captured women are sold in slave markets and at auctions. Are women just a dime’s worth? Not to mention, at work, they rarely escape from the dirty, lustful gaze of their superiors who trick those poor souls into sleeping with them for promotions and career advancement options. Everywhere, practically everywhere, women’s bodies are designated as property that can be evaluated, looked at and touched at the impulse of men’s desire. On top of that, if current trend continues, almost 16 million girls worldwide between the ages 6 and 11 will never get access to primary school education compared to just about 8 million boys. And don’t even get me started on the pay difference that exists. Why? Isn’t it high time this sickening, unjustifiable merry-go-round stop? 

Do you know what makes a woman feel unshackled? Do you wish to participate in women’s salvation? 

Then…

Give her. For once give her.
Give her a platform and watch how she dances off her feet. 
Give her wings and see how she soars higher for the sky offbeat.
Give her a pen and marvel at how she travels in time.
Give her a voice and see how she tolerates no crime.

Judge her. By all means judge her. 
Judge her by her courage
not by the depth of her cleavage.
Judge her by her morals unhurt
not by the length of her skirt.
Judge her from within
not by the colour of her skin.

Let her be. 
Let her be free expressing her emotions, needs and wants.
Let her be free choosing her path, away from religious dogmas and society’s taunts.
Let her live her life in a manner she hopes for.
Let her breathe even if she is a whore.

And! She is sexy. Yes! I’m telling you!           
She is sexy in the way she stands on her own feet independently.   
She is sexy in the way she brings up her child single-handedly.
She is sexy in the way she carries herself with dignity.
She is sexy in the way she sticks to her principles composedly.
Doesn’t this make her one hell of a sexy woman?

Please ladies, you have an identity. You do not need someone else to validate your existence. Do not let yourself be looked down. Forget the rules. You, as a single woman, are worth the entire world’s fortune. No one is rich enough to buy you. No one is strong enough to abuse you. No one is lily-white enough to slam you. Women’s empowerment starts with you. It is when you empower yourself, when you embrace yourself-with all your flaws, your valour, your beauty and your femininity. 

Happy International Women’s Day 2016!